Official joke of the day thread

[big2bird]

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a
lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work in
two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You
guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains
out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years,
and now half the country is looking for work.'

 

[js292]

Snow Plow

Snow Plow

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset . With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

 

[Beagle 1]

Old guy joke.
2 fairly new residents in the old folks home are bitching and moaning about how it sucks to get old.
"I can't hardly pee" says the first one. "I toss and turn half the night because I have to pee, then when I get up, nothing! I end up standing there for a hour".
"Thats nothing, I can't hardly crap. I'm backed up all the time. Then I go in and strain to get a few rabbit turds. Hey, why don't we go talk to that old timer over there. He's always smiling, so maybe he know something to help us".
So they explain it to the old timer and he say that he doesn't have these problems.
"Every morning at 6:00 I pee like a race horse. Every morning at 6:30 I crap like a goose! But, the is one small complication. I don't get out of bed till 7:00".

 

[MYBAD79]

This is good:

[ame=http://s174.photobucket.com/albums/w102/junkandmore/?action=view&current=PolishPolarBearClub.flv]

[/ame]

 

[saudivette]

That guy isn't too many years away from serious neck surgery...

 

[racervette69]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
and orders a drink.



Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner
table.



He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'



The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.



The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I
ever had!'



The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the
biker still says nothing.



The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.....................















'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.

 

[TimAT]

Open Letter

To the Guy Who Mugged Me

I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand
over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also
asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across
this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took
my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and
it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that
Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a
shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd
come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and
wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come
help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to
one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the
cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the
line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't
know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your
service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office
with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did
this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm
sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like
to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing
you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry.

Peace!

 

[JPhil]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the
decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops.'

 

[BBShark]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila

******************************
Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps,

 

[BBShark]

******************************

 

[73 Mike]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Wal-Mart Super
Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.



She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted
to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger
at the car saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?' 'Stay!
Stay!'


The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,gave me a strange
look and said,




'Why don't you just put it in park?

 

[BlewByYou]

Can't catch me...

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

 

[saudivette]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner....

'I think my missus caught a glimpse.....'

 

[saudivette]

Arabs against fruit drinks...

Do you think he means all fruit based drinks? I mean, is a Pina Colada out?




********!

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Do you think he means all fruit based drinks? I mean, is a Pina Colada out?




********!

The more they breed....The dumber they get.

 

[JPhil]

Do you think he means all fruit based drinks? I mean, is a Pina Colada out?




********!

I think the guy in back with the suit is telling his buddy, "Wait! Wait a minute! I just checked the Arab-English dictionary and there's a mistake....!"

 

[JPhil]

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.



And posted higher up on the refrigerator door…


TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets better than I like most people

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) If they get pregnant you can sell their children

 

[SmokinBBC]

Do you think he means all fruit based drinks? I mean, is a Pina Colada out?




********!

I think the guy in back with the suit is telling his buddy, "Wait! Wait a minute! I just checked the Arab-English dictionary and there's a mistake....!"

Wasn't that outside the courthouse at the OJ Simpson trial:gurney:

 

[SmokinBBC]

Recently I was asked to play in a golf charity tournament.
>
> At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
>
>
>
> Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind
>Kids.'
>
> Then I thought...
>
>
>
>
> **** - I could win this!

 

[JPhil]

A CF Believer was driving across west Texas on a warm summer evening, sipping the last of his Kool-Aid as he watched the edge of the glowing red disc of the setting sun disappear below the far off horizon. The road was deserted, the shadows long, the evening star twinkled brightly in the deepening dusk. He had not seen a soul through his bug-splattered windshield for what seemed like hours.

He had just pulled out the headlight knob and felt the satisfying thunk-thunk as the lights came up when suddenly his car started to cough and sputter. Within a minute, the engine died completely and he coasted to a stop, baffled by this turn of events, on the side of the empty two lane road.

The silence of his engine was amplified by the gentle sigh of the prairie wind as he climbed disgustedly out of his car. He popped the hood to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, being a CF Believer, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look in vain at the engine, feeling lost. He stood there for several minutes hopelessly staring by the quickly fading light of his Corvette Museum Giftshop (logo copyrighted, all rights reserved) keychain flashlight, and he cursed himself for buying the Kool-Aid instead of a new battery for the flashlight at the last truck stop, even though he knew it was old & weak.

But then from close behind him, came a soft deep voice, "It's your needle valve."

The startled Believer raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded, fearfully looking around as he rubbed his head.

Not a soul was to be seen except for two horses standing at the fence alongside the road behind him. The Believer was amazed when the nearest of the two horses raised his head and said, "Your needle valve's stuck. Tap the carb with your flashlight and try it again."

Unsure of himself, he managed after several tries to locate the carburetor and tapped it hesitantly with his flashlight.

"Harder! Smack it a good one a couple times!" snorted the horse, stomping the ground with its foot.

The Believer did as he was told and then went to turn the key. Sure enough, the engine roared to life! He muttered a curt thanks to the horse, slammed the hood and screeched away.

After just a few minutes he came upon a small town at a road junction. Spotting a glowing red neon sign with a couple old pickup trucks in front, he pulled into the parking lot of a tavern next door to a two-pump gas station and went inside. He pulled out a stool, sat down and leaned on the scarred wood of the bar. "Gimme a large Kool-Aid , please!" he called excitedly to the barmaid, a plump 30-ish woman wearing too-tight jeans & t-shirt who was filling the ice chest. The quiet conversation among the half dozen patrons stopped at the sound of his order, and as he looked around the dimly lit room, the only sound to be heard was George Jones crying softly about the slamming of a door coming from an old jukebox in the corner.The barmaid stared at him without moving, a quizzical look growing on her face.

A couple ranchers sitting a few stools down looked at the Believer's ashen face and one asked, "What's wrong, son? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable!" the Believer said and recalled the whole tale to the men.

The weather-beaten men paused thoughtfully for a few moments. Finally one responded, "A horse, you say?" He then turned to the man sitting next to him, and they silently nodded to each other. He looked back to the Believer, slowly took a sip of his beer and asked, "Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The Believer, wide eyed, replied to the affirmative. "Why--why,yes, yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, son, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher.
"Damn lucky," quietly agreed the other as he pushed his dusty hat back on his head.

"That black horse don't know **** about cars!"

 

[saudivette]

The Retrosexual Movement

The Retrosexual Movement...


This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who now days think it is cool to be a metro. Bring back our masculinity - stop being a bunch of ******* that have far too much gel in their hair and smell and look like chicks. Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino: Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual,bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual... Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman .Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!! No hair gel / wax! Zip, zilch, nyet, none - ever!

A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a ******. Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.

Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish or cats do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, riding motorcycles and drinking piss with the boys.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land .Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract a handshake is good enough.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

Spread the word!

 

[Douglas Mariani]

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.



And posted higher up on the refrigerator door…


TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets better than I like most people

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) If they get pregnant you can sell their children

This is GREAT!!!:1st:

 

[mrvette]

Preacher's son.....

The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1.. A bible.
2.. A silver dollar.
3.. A bottle of whisky.
4.. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Governor of Illinois!!!"

 

[BangkokDean]

Or governor of New York :crutches:

 

[MYBAD79]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another
career where Skillful hands would be beneficial; He decided
to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for
evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the
exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that
he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called
the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took
the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is
also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which
I've never seen done in my entire career."

 

[Douglas Mariani]

LMFAOOOOOO :rofl:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off .
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

 

[MYBAD79]

This is pretty cool stuff:

[ame=http://s174.photobucket.com/albums/w102/junkandmore/?action=view&current=cell-tone2.flv]

[/ame]

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Little Johnny's at it again

Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'?

? ?* ? * ? ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'?

? ?* ? * ? * ? * ? * ? ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?
' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
? ?** ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ?
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.' Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?
? ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? * ? ? * ? * ? * ? * ? ?*?

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom?

 

[racervette69]

Ear Infection
> >
> >
> > They always ask at the doctor's
> > office why you are there,
> > and you have to answer in front of others
> > what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
>
> >
> >
> > There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
> Receptionist
> > who insists you tell her
> > what is wrong with you in a room full of
> > other patients. I know most of us have experienced
> this,
> > and I love the way
> > this old guy handled it.
> >
> > A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room
> and
> > approached the
> > desk..
> >
> >
> > The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you
> seeing
> > the Doctor for today?'
> >
> > 'There's something wrong with my dick',
> he
> > replied.
> >
> > The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You
> > shouldn't come into a
> > crowded waiting room and say things like
> > that. '
> >
> > 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told
> > you,' he said.
> >
> > The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused
> some
> > embarrassment in this
> > room full of people. You should have said
> > there is something wrong with your ear or something
> and
> > discussed the
> > problem further with the Doctor in private.'
> >
> > The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people
> > questions in a roomful of
> > strangers, if the answer could embarrass
> > anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes,
> and
> > then re-entered.
> >
> > The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
> 'Yes??'
> >
> >
> > 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he
> > stated.
> >
> > The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
> knowing he
> > had taken her
> > advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear,
> > Sir?'
> >
> > 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
>
> >
> >
> > The waiting room erupted in laughter.
> >
> >
> >
> > Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
> >
> >