Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
big2bird
Charter Member, Founder Bird-Run, Cruise-In Bird-R
This little old Jewish couple retire, and finally get to take their trip to the Holy Land.
While there, the wife dies of a heart attack.
Grief stricken, the husband talks to an undertaker.
The undertaker tells him, "I can bury her here for $200, or ship her body to the States for $5,000."
Without hesitantion, the old man tells him, "Ship her home."
The undertaker, bewildered by this response says, "Why ship her body to the states, when you can bury her in the Holy Land for $200?!!"
The husband explains.
"2,000 years ago, a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he got up."
"I can't take that chance!"
While there, the wife dies of a heart attack.
Grief stricken, the husband talks to an undertaker.
The undertaker tells him, "I can bury her here for $200, or ship her body to the States for $5,000."
Without hesitantion, the old man tells him, "Ship her home."
The undertaker, bewildered by this response says, "Why ship her body to the states, when you can bury her in the Holy Land for $200?!!"
The husband explains.
"2,000 years ago, a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he got up."
"I can't take that chance!"
Fuelie74
Well-known member
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good
idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good
idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Fuelie74
Well-known member
Old Man and the Skinny dipping women
An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for
several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach
trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He
grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here
to feed the alligator.''
Some old men can still think fast.. .....
An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for
several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach
trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He
grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here
to feed the alligator.''
Some old men can still think fast.. .....
saudivette
Clueless In Sandland
Bril :thumbs:
Calmness In Our Lives
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of
White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos,
the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. :yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of
White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos,
the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. :yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:
big2bird
Charter Member, Founder Bird-Run, Cruise-In Bird-R
Quote of the day
Quote for the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle
Quote for the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle
Bullshark
Well-known member
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which led to a discussion about happy and sad, and whether the feelings were mutually exclusive.
He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which led to a discussion about happy and sad, and whether the feelings were mutually exclusive.
He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."
DJ Dep
refugee from the other place
Good one Bull!!! Sent that to my wife 
DJ Dep
refugee from the other place
Baby Boomers
It was fun being a baby boomer... Until now.
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
With new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore ---- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
It was fun being a baby boomer... Until now.
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
With new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore ---- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
73 Mike
I'll drive it someday
Douglas Mariani
Well-known member
Great one DJ DEP:beer:
DJ Dep
refugee from the other place
Thanks guys
BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this afternoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.
BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this afternoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.
Last edited:
BRUTAL64
Neanderthal
Thanks guys
BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this aftermoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.
:twitch:
DJ Dep
refugee from the other place
Thanks guys
BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this aftermoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.
:twitch:
Yeah....first three hurt so much it knocked me off my feet.
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Thanks guys
BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this aftermoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.
:twitch:
Yeah....first three hurt so much it knocked me off my feet.
Someone said you were a big prick....guess it was true, eh???:3rd::clobbered:
DJ Dep
refugee from the other place
Well I wish my dingus was bigger when those stones come rushing through!!! :surrender:
big2bird
Charter Member, Founder Bird-Run, Cruise-In Bird-R
Italian boy's confession
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
>
> 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
> loose girl'.
> The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
> 'Yes, Father, it is.'
> 'And who was the girl you were with?'
> 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
> Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
> so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
> 'I cannot say.'
> 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
> 'I'll never tell.'
> 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
> 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
> 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
> 'My lips are sealed.'
> 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
> 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
> The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
> and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
> cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
> Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
> 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
>
> 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
> loose girl'.
> The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
> 'Yes, Father, it is.'
> 'And who was the girl you were with?'
> 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
> Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
> so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
> 'I cannot say.'
> 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
> 'I'll never tell.'
> 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
> 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
> 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
> 'My lips are sealed.'
> 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
> 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
> The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
> and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
> cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
> Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
> 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
A store selling new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!," she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!." Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!," she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!." Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.