Official joke of the day thread

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have
two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them
with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and
your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His
two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The
lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the
beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
 
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00

When the postal authorities received the letter to: God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes!
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
 
Dear Tech Support

INSTALLING A HUSBAND




Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable
programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6
simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html < B>
and
try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed ,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program
that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your systems resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported
applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn
new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory
and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support​
 
Updated stock market terms

New Stock Market Definitions



CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.



CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.



BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to

mistake himself for a financial genius.



BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,

the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.



VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.



P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants

as the market keeps crashing.



BROKER -- What my broker has made me.



STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.



STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.



STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your

assets equally between themselves.



FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.



MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.



CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.



YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker

for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who

bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.



INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked

up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
 
Redistribution......

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had an "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed - just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need - the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

:bounce::hunter::clobbered:
 
BIRTHDAY REMINDER
>
> This week we celebrate a special birthday.
>
> Monica Lewinsky turned 36. Can you believe it?
>
> It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
>
> around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting
>
> everything in her mouth.
>
>
>
> They grow up so fast, ... don't they?
 
mrvette said:
Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had an "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed - just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need - the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

:bounce::hunter::clobbered:
Click to expand...

:drink:That's is really funny!!! I'm going to start doing that.




I saw the 30 minute Obama thing last night. Quite the showman.

Well, we better get used to him, he's going to win.

The funny thing here I don't want either guy, they don't do a thing for me. So I'll just watch all the "FUN".:drink::drink::drink::drink::drink::drink:.............................................................:beer::beer::beer::beer:
 
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'

'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.'

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'

'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'
 
Who is your real friend?

This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??
 
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT... It just pops into your head...There's no warning.'

''That's very good!' replied the interviewer r viewer. 'And, now you sir?' he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see , a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!', said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch , way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT ! ? ' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

Bubba is now the new greeter at WalMart.
 
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.



And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'


'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and fl ies off, with m y ball still clutched in his paws!'


'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it eit her,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about two feet from the cup!'


,

The Mother Superior said. 'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'



:bounce:
 
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
 
HURT FEELINGS REPORT

DATE: ___________________________ TIME OF HURTFULLNESS ____________ AM PM

LOCATION OF BAD THING THAT HAPPENED______________________________________



A: Which ear were the words of hurtfulness spoken into? LEFT / RIGHT / BOTH

B: Is there permanent hurt feeling damage? YES / NO

C: Did you require ONE / MULTIPLE tissue(s) for the tears? YES / NO


Reasons for filling out this report: (Check all that apply)

1. I am thin-skinned________________ □ 2. I am a pussy__________________________ □
3. I have woman-like hormones_______ □ 4. I am a queer__________________________ □
5. I am a little bitch_________________ □ 6. I am a cry-baby________________________ □
7. I want my Mommy_______________ □ 8. I just like to whine______________________ □


Please provide your detailed description of the horrible thing done to you legibly in the box below:
____
/___/

We, as a company, take hurt feelings very seriously. If you don't have a Mommy close by that can give you a hug and make it all better, please let your supervisor know so we can provide you with a surrogate Mommy. Also, if you need them, the following can also be provided: (Check needs that apply)
a: A bottle of milk________________ □ b: Change of diapers_____________________ □
c: Midol______________________ □ d: A nappy__________________________________ □
e: A warm cookie________________ □ f: A blanky__________________________________ □



Name of "Real Man" who hurt your feelings _______________________________________________

"Real Man" signature ___________________________________________Date _________________

Name of little sissy filing report ________________________________________________________

Girly-man signature ____________________________________________ Date _________________

Supervisors signature __________________________________________ Date _________________
 
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Attitudes on Wall Street has changed

Alot has changed since the last depression.
3492b635ee65f2.jpg
 
I'm a trucker and I see a lot of waitress in restaurants all over the states.

I always leave a couples of bucks on the table for tips and they call me "honey"
On the other hand, theyre husband leaves half of his paycheck on the table and she call's him an a$$hole!

Go figure
 
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