Official joke of the day thread

[BangkokDean]

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert
advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop
pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my
tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell
myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember
it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now
it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible
to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can
muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the
dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes
smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them
on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than
please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.

 

[BangkokDean]

This Pope pays attention to everything and everyone large and small.
I bet he was just looking for her cross.

Hmmmm…Madre Maria!

 

[BangkokDean]

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so
were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --
shovel!!!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other
side.

 

[mrvette]

Natch I can't find it, but was a funny pix on the net recently, the Ark sailing away and two dinosaurs on a stone, with the caption.....Oh, that was TODAY??? blend in with the above.....


:lol:

 

[phantomjock]

here ya go Gene! Too funny.

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

Subject: Building Permit

Well, with nothing much else to do, I applied for a "Building Permit",
to remodel my house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets
at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars.

I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

When it went before City Council they told me; "Forget about it...IT
AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts next Monday and here is the best part - it's going to be tax exempt!

I love my country. It's this government that scares the living crap out of me.

 

[BangkokDean]

Today's weighty thoughts


The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.


My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.


My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.


I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"


I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?


Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.


The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the s --- storm that's coming.


Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!


If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!


The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor."


I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.


What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

 

[BangkokDean]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”:fishing:

 

[BangkokDean]

The Marriage License Office Clerk



Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?", said the clerk.

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that
it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Anderson."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"------------
..Don't laugh, it's just a matter of time .
Or, coming in the not to distant future,
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"Joe Smith and Fido."

 

[mrvette]

IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came
flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,Ireland's finest. He
wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced drunk, I could hardly push his stroller back home.

 

[BangkokDean]

Greek drama over austerity simply explained:hi:

 

[BangkokDean]

PRESIDENT IN 2016

Here we are, already discussing the future President of the United States, beginning with the Year 2016.

For those of you who would like THE VERY BEST choice for President, we have a solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. One choice is a very special lady who has just about every answer to assist in helping us to solve our problems.


PLEASE give this a thought when you have a moment.


MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!

"I am telling you ... she is the perfect candidate."


Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can not use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."


Maxine on "Lawn Care" -- "The key to a nice looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."


Maxine on "The Perfect Man" -- "All I'm looking for is a guy who will do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."


Maxine on "Technology Revolution" -- "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."


Maxine on "Aging" -- "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

More from Maxine:


"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals."


"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."


"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."


"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)


"Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."


"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere ... you may be dead."

 

[BangkokDean]

English Lesson

The most interesting English lesson I have had to date.

Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking ******** and take those other hairy-faced,

sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass shitheads with you"

How weird is that?

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

Understanding English hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness?.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... Is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

 

[BangkokDean]

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of
the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited

for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead
of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.

Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest,

"you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".

 

[BangkokDean]

I Watch People And Wonder
How Some Of Them Ever
Found Their Way Out Of
The Birth Canal.


I Never Make The Same Mistake Twice;
I Make It Like Five Or Six Times,
You Know, Just To Be Sure.


I'm Pretty Busy Today
So If You Could Just
Go Ahead And Offend
Yourself For Me, That
Would Be Great.
Thanks.


I'm Afraid Of A World Run
By Adults Who Were
Never Spanked As Kids
And Got Trophies Just
For Participating.


Those Who Stir The **** Pot
Should Have To Lick The Spoon.


Couples Don't Break Up Anymore.
One Person Just Acts Like An *******
Till The Other Person Can't Take
It Anymore.


There Comes A Time In Life
When You Have To Let Go Of
All The Pointless Drama
& The People Who Create It
& Surround Yourself With
People Who Make You Laugh
So Hard That You Forget
The Bad And Focus Solely
On The Good. After All,
Life Is Too Short To Be
Anything But Happy.

 

[BangkokDean]

Texting Codes For Seniors

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center
* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL- Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT- Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

 

[mrvette]

Getting Old Sucks
She's single... lives right across the street. I can see her place
from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when
she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"


Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

 

[BangkokDean]

Alabama Hillbilly Striptease?

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door,he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,
followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,
and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


(Don't make me come and splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.

 

[BangkokDean]

From the www..

 

[BangkokDean]

Photo of the new generation!



NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
It read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.'

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,'would you please tie my shoe?'

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

 

[mrvette]

Rookie cop......

“A Rookie Police Officer Pulled A Biker Over For Speeding”

This will wrap your Monday up with a smile.

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose motorcycle is this?

Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too (H/T WND).

There’s something to be said about thinking on your feet!

Please share on Facebook and Twitter if this made you chuckle.

Monday, August 10th, 2015

 

[BangkokDean]

“A Rookie Police Officer Pulled A Black Biker Over For Speeding”

Shot him dead right there and then.:devil:

 

[BangkokDean]

When a male bird can't stand it anymore!

Priceless shot!

One in a million!!!

A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this one.

Keep Laughing. Best medicine for the heart and the mind.

 

[BangkokDean]

*Avocados*

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6


A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"


He replied, "They had avocados."


If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time.



My work is done here.


*Water in the carburetor...*

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"


*THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN
RECENT YEARS.*

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

*The Phone*

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He
showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

*HE MUST PAY...*

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought
with me again, I am coming to live with you."


Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live
with you.


*Today's Short Reading from the Bible...*

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

[BangkokDean]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it,
>
> 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list.
>
> 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>
> 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
>
> 5. We never really grow up--we only learn how to act in public.
>
> 6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
>
> 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
>
> 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
>
> 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>
> 10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
>
> 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
> 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
>
> 13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
>
> 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
>
> 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
>
> 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>
> 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

[BangkokDean]

AND a lesson for all to remember: ‘good grammar’ MUST always be with us!!!!!


On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his
wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man
living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure
for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw
the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder,
warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and
then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you
have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you
want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and
asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said: "1-2-3"! Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked:
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle.

 

[BangkokDean]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY
Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,
gave me a strange look and said,

Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"