rtj
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Ha, almost bought that! Good one, check snopes.
Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
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Ha, almost bought that! Good one, check snopes.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
A young woman joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from an airplane. The next day, she called home to tell her mother the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the mother.
"Well, let me tell you what happened," the girl said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane."
"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother.
"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked her mother.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, "No sir, I'm too scared."
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, Mom, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.
"Well, a little, …… at first."
"So, did you jump?" asked the mother.
"Well, let me tell you what happened," the girl said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane."
"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother.
"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked her mother.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, "No sir, I'm too scared."
"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, Mom, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.
"Well, a little, …… at first."
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for Your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth, a Liverpool suburb, were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.
For those not familiar with British slang, Scousers is the term used for people from Liverpool, England.:clap::yahoo:
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for Your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth, a Liverpool suburb, were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.
For those not familiar with British slang, Scousers is the term used for people from Liverpool, England.:clap::yahoo:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches,
and that fish jumps for that fly,
and that bear grabs for that fish,
and that hunter shoots that bear,
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
then I can have a mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly,
the bear grabs the fish,
the hunter shoots the bear,
the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
the cat jumps for the mouse,
the mouse ducks,
and
the cat falls into the water and drowns.
Now for the Moral Of The Story
“Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy's going to be in serious danger”
Didn't see that one coming, did you?
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches,
and that fish jumps for that fly,
and that bear grabs for that fish,
and that hunter shoots that bear,
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
then I can have a mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly,
the bear grabs the fish,
the hunter shoots the bear,
the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
the cat jumps for the mouse,
the mouse ducks,
and
the cat falls into the water and drowns.
Now for the Moral Of The Story
“Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy's going to be in serious danger”
Didn't see that one coming, did you?
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BangkokDean
Well-known member
A Deer Hunter at the Dentist
������ The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go
deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for
the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done
with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty minutes... I
don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
������ The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely
a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using
anything to kill the pain."
���������So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
���������The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth,
Honey, and show him.�
�
�
WHAT A GUY!
������ The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go
deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for
the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done
with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty minutes... I
don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
������ The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely
a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using
anything to kill the pain."
���������So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
���������The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth,
Honey, and show him.�
�
�
WHAT A GUY!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BangkokDean
Well-known member
This is alarming
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
PEanut in the ear.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth in the
Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, and then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth in the
Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, and then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Using an ATM in Greece!!!
"There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation...
One is by sword...
....another is by debt."
John Adams 1826
"There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation...
One is by sword...
....another is by debt."
John Adams 1826
Last edited:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry.
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
A recent study found the average golfer
walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average,
22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
I Almost feel like a hybrid.
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry.
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
A recent study found the average golfer
walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average,
22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
I Almost feel like a hybrid.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
All of us need a little cheering up at times, and a few of these should do the trick.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/11034196/funny-jokes.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/11034196/funny-jokes.html
BangkokDean
Well-known member
It didn’t take long….
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Be warned .........
What Happens When You Hold In A Fart!
What Happens When You Hold In A Fart!
BangkokDean
Well-known member
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....
"Pepe... Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....
Ees.....
Ees....
Ees....
Ees...
Ees....
Ees..... a ham bush...."
And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn't you - I know you did! You are grinning.....aren't you!:lol:
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....
"Pepe... Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....
Ees.....
Ees....
Ees....
Ees...
Ees....
Ees..... a ham bush...."
And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn't you - I know you did! You are grinning.....aren't you!:lol:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
IT IS PROVIDED BY MEDICARE UNDER: "PHYSICAL THERAPY FOR RETIREES". Fart and you've got a Jacuzzi !:lol:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
:yahoo:
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
:yahoo:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
The difference between the U.S. Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people. :hunter:
BangkokDean
Well-known member
BIBLICAL STORY
A beautiful blonde woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too.
Men will never learn...
A beautiful blonde woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too.
Men will never learn...
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Retired Person's Perspective:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
BangkokDean
Well-known member
SARCASM AT ITS BEST
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with
a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a
virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men
came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with
a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a
virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men
came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Moms in Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name,
Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about .Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name,
Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about .Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly
out of my price range!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly
out of my price range!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
BangkokDean
Well-known member
Military Rules...
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot..
Navy SEAL Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing in sight.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers' Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close enough to have tax exemption.
( And I Love This Next One.....or why I joined the Navy LOL)
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy!
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot..
Navy SEAL Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing in sight.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers' Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close enough to have tax exemption.
( And I Love This Next One.....or why I joined the Navy LOL)
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy!
SuperBuickGuy
Well-known member
A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your ****s."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."
"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next stop.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and, upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your ****s."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47 years and one day old."
"That is amazing!" the stunned the woman says. "How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
BangkokDean
Well-known member
THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird  , who was Blue Bird's  cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't  die!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows ... You can't kill Two Birds with one stone
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird  , who was Blue Bird's  cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't  die!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows ... You can't kill Two Birds with one stone
