Official joke of the day thread

[Bullshark]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?


Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears!!
But every once in a while........

You get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes... :smash:

 

[BangkokDean]

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around- WalMart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********************

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .
stick around awhile . . . it will!

 

[BangkokDean]

Old ladies with spray glue


http://www.youtube.com/embed/tjJc8xLYhak

 

[BangkokDean]

Subject: Trainee Lion Tamer





A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The tough old golfer replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

 

[Douglas Mariani]

I took the State Aptitude test a few months ago and finally got a reply.

They sent me a get well card with $20 in it.

:thumbs:

 

[mrvette]

The Old Wyoming Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a 'mail order bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was
true. Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said,
'She'll be twenty-one in November.

Now the banker, being the wise
man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young
woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting
his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him
out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a
good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the
banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the
banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker,
happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's
the hired hand?
Without
hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.

 

[7t9l82]

Old ladies with spray glue


http://www.youtube.com/embed/tjJc8xLYhak

thats the funniest one I've seen in years

 

[BangkokDean]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking around with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Bugger this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a Royal Auto Club van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that!" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today. She shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5 cent and 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when suddenly she got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin' to an envelope for?" Paddy replies "I'm sendin' a voice-mail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks, "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The advert said 18 or over."

A foreign fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn that his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

[BangkokDean]

Your politically incorrect JOKE OF THE DAY

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?





Amhere


What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?


Amhere Azwel


What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?



Amhere Azwell Azhim

 

[BangkokDean]

Some of my friends have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement...
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house in the UK.
It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was loud enough to entertain the whole neighbourhood.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me; “Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.

 

[BangkokDean]

Lying around, pondering all the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and bran buds.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few more of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

 

[BangkokDean]

Dave Allen on Christianity!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-u6XXOELs_s[/ame]

 

[BangkokDean]

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPad mini"

I can tell you this….. that bloody fly never knew what hit him!!!

 

[BangkokDean]

*In case you have not seen this before.*

*Walking Eagle*


*On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Labour Prime
Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major
gathering of Native American Indians. He spoke for almost two hours on his
success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring
nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government
found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes. At the
conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed
with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Tony then departed
in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.. A news reporter later asked one of
the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair. They
explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of ****
that it can no longer fly.*

I sort of KNEW that you would enjoy this one !!

 

[BangkokDean]

http://www.upvines.net/this-couple-...-nothing-prepared-me-for-what-happened-next/#

 

[BangkokDean]

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye


CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

 

[BangkokDean]

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when
she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate ..... and ate ... and then ... she ate some more! Finally, she
decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas ...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the
ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!
She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there,
she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped
confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
Dead fly...
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of ****!

 

[BangkokDean]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. When I got there, I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me." So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. And then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But hey... enough about me... how are you doing?”:twitch:

 

[BangkokDean]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing" the homeless man said. "I need to spend all
my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well" said the man. "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks
like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex.":mobeer::fishing::smash:

 

[BangkokDean]

ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH !


The Economy is So Bad I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings,
Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

 

[BangkokDean]

Law vs. Psychology

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
" NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the guy,
He was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking,
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

 

[BangkokDean]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone
to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter
and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long
time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said,
'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician
rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm
the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,
'No, it ain't Stanley .'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two
ass-holes.'

'What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them
two ass-holes.

 

[BangkokDean]

Watch this then look away then watch it reverse direction.

 

[BangkokDean]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her
parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against
the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a
piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and
tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a
puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her
door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger
waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming
Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

 

[BBShark]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.



After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room
you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....kill her !!!"


The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot
my wife”. The agent said, “Then you are not the right
man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, “You don’t have what it
takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on
the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.



“This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to kill him with the chair”

 

[BangkokDean]

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie
was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man
turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with
cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man;
sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."

 

[BangkokDean]

Watch Where You Park Your Motorcycle...

You can’t make this stuff up! Takes about 30 seconds…

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202876756591310&set=vb.1574025523&type=2&theater

 

[BangkokDean]

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?


Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?


Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?


Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?


EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[mrvette]

Sorta lends a whole new meaning to the term Bang Cock........:smash::stirpot: