Official joke of the day thread

[BBShark]

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”

Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’”

“Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

 

[BangkokDean]

The table sheds light on just how difficult it can be for a foreigner to understand what the British really mean when they're speaking – especially for those who take every word at face value.

Phrases that prove the trickiest to decipher include 'you must come for dinner' which foreigners tend to take as a direct invitation but is actually said out of politeness by many Britons and often does not result in an invite.

The table also reveals that when a person from Britain begins a sentence "with the greatest respect….....' they actually mean 'I think you are an idiot'.


WHAT THE BRITISH SAY, WHAT THE BRITISH MEAN, WHAT FOREIGNERS UNDERSTAND

I hear what you say, I disagree and do not want to discuss it further, He accepts my point of view

With the greatest respect, You are an idiot, He is listening to me

That's not bad, That's good, That's poor

That is a very brave proposal, You are insane, He thinks I have courage

Quite good , A bit disappointing , Quite good

I would suggest , Do it or be prepared to justify yourself , Think about the idea, but do what you like

Oh, incidentally/ by the way , The primary purpose of our discussion is , That is not very important

I was a bit disappointed that, I am annoyed that , It doesn't really matter

Very interesting , That is clearly nonsense , They are impressed

I'll bear it in mind , I've forgotten it already , They will probably do it

I'm sure it's my fault , It's your fault , Why do they think it was their fault?

You must come for dinner , It's not an invitation, I'm just being polite , I will get an invitation soon

I almost agree , I don't agree at all , He's not far from agreement

I only have a few minor comments , Please rewrite completely , He has found a few typos

Could we consider some other options , I don't like your idea , They have not yet decided

The table points out that when Britons say 'I'm sure it's my fault', it actually means 'it's your fault'.

 

[BangkokDean]

Now think about this and tell the truth: Would you tell them or just watch?

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

Why There Are So Few White Guys in the NBA

 

[73 Mike]

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

BOAT OWNER: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

 

[BangkokDean]

Airline Announcements:


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'

************ ********* ********* *******

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

************ ********* ********* *******

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

************ ********* ********* *******


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

************ ********* ********* *********

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

************ ********* ********* *******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

************ ********* ********* *******

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

************ ********* ********* *****

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. '

************ ********* ********* *****

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

************ ********* ********* ********* *

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Boy! I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY.

 

[BangkokDean]

A handful of 7 year old children were asked,
'what they thought of beer.'

Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the
more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch
what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it
and takes her top off at parties.'

Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer
and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other,
which is a good thing.'

Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets
his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'

Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool.'

Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it,
he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. Mom likes it,
but she gets tired and leans on guys and they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap. When they come back, she is all perky
and happy, and the guys are all tired out.'

Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

Brittney - 'I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get
the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.'

Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks
on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad
and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again,
but that doesn't make any sense.'

Fergie - 'My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but
he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it makes him
want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away.
When it makes her want to smooch, she will do it with
everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.'

Alice - 'My sister told me you have to drink your own weight
in beer before you start to like it. She has some ways to go yet,
I think. The guys usually ignore her until they have had a whole
lot of beer, then they get nice and play with her.'

Brad - 'Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you
think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an
awful lot of beer.'

 

[mrvette]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having 'Guts' or having 'Balls'. But, do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal:smash:

 

[BangkokDean]

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so, from now on you will be known as Frank."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."
"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two f***ing Arabs."

 

[BangkokDean]

Husband takes the wife to a Club.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

 

[BangkokDean]

Robin Williams- Jihad
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osvvTOzzQBE[/ame]

 

[mrvette]

A guy goes
into the confessional box after years being away from the church.He
pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully
equippedbar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness
on tap,
cigars andliqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic

display of buxomladies who appear to have mislaid their
garments. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's
been a very longtime since I've been to confession and I must admit
that the
confessional boxis much more inviting than it used to be". The
priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my
side". :surrender:

 

[BangkokDean]

So, you want to be a Salesman !!!!!

Subject: Wink issue

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[mrvette]

HOW does a HOOKER FART????


























They Prosti toot.....





:smash:

 

[BangkokDean]

The following items have NOT been stolen by the looters in Ferguson:

Pens, pencils, resume kits, work boots, work gloves, work coveralls, father's day cards.

 

[mrvette]

INDIAN WINTER PREDICTION


> >It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reserve in Alberta asked
> their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
>
> Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
> old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter
> was going to be like.
>
> Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
> winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
> collect firewood to be prepared.
>
> But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
> went to the phone booth, called Environment Canada and asked, 'Is the
> coming winter going to be cold?'
>
>
> 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at
> the weather service responded.
>
> So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
> more firewood in order to be prepared.
>
>A week later, he called Environment Canada again. 'Does it still look
> like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
>
> >
>
> 'Yes,' the man at Environment Canada again replied, 'it's going to be
> a very cold winter.'
>
> >
>
> The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
> every scrap of firewood they could find.
>
> >
>
> Two weeks later, the chief called Environment Canada again. 'Are you
> absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
>
> >
>
> >'Absolutely,' the man replied.'It's looking more and more like it is
> going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
>
> >
>
> >'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
>
> >
>
> >The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
>

 

[Bullshark]

The following items have NOT been stolen by the looters in Ferguson:

Pens, pencils, resume kits, work boots, work gloves, work coveralls, father's day cards.

I grew up not far from Ferguson. Road my bike, cruised Steak & Shake in my first car, etc. Nice neighborhood then, and still is for the most part, except for the hood rats. :smash:

Cris Rock- How not to get your ass kicked by Police

 

[BangkokDean]

Hilarious British animal voiceovers.

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

 

[BangkokDean]

Minor league baseball sure is a lot of fun. From a Portland Sea Dogs pre game.


https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152252159515658

 

[BangkokDean]

Anything for a “shot” at fame

Check out this video on YouTube:

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFkTg6lhvQY[/ame]


Ice ice oh ****

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-HgHomgNKA[/ame]

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth one so far,' the old man answered.

 

[mrvette]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like
a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest
continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in
that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of
Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
that.... But the flashing neon sign on the church roof that says, 'Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell' has got to come down!




:smash:

 

[BangkokDean]

A sure way to stop the riots in Ferguson, just do a air drop.

 

[BangkokDean]

At one point during a game, the team coach called one of his 9-year-old footballers aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is and what a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is taking part together as a team not whether we win or lose?
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a fowl happens you shouldn't argue, swear, attack the referee, or call him a 'Prat, ******** or *******'. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not sportsmanship to call your coach 'A dumb ass or ********' is it?"

The little boy shook his head 'no'.

"Good", said the coach . . . "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

 

[mrvette]

WOMEN DON'T FORGET THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 11

WOMEN: PLEASE THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 11!!!
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars...

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So on September 11th, at 10:00 A.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove
that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.


P.S.
If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists. :smash::loveletter:

 

[BangkokDean]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded: "Three were on a beer can; two were on the phone".

 

[BangkokDean]

ISN'T IT NICE WHEN KIDS HAVE GOALS

A TEACHER ASKS THE KIDS IN HER 3rd GRADE CLASS, “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?”

LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: "I WANNA START OUT AS A MARINE PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST WHORE, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE."

THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE KEVIN, DECIDES NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIES TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON . .

"AND HOW ABOUT YOU, SARAH?”

"I WANNA BE KEVIN’S WHORE.”