Official joke of the day thread

[DJ Dep]

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

HA!!! Good one!!!

 

[big2bird]

This little old Jewish couple retire, and finally get to take their trip to the Holy Land.
While there, the wife dies of a heart attack.
Grief stricken, the husband talks to an undertaker.
The undertaker tells him, "I can bury her here for $200, or ship her body to the States for $5,000."
Without hesitantion, the old man tells him, "Ship her home."
The undertaker, bewildered by this response says, "Why ship her body to the states, when you can bury her in the Holy Land for $200?!!"
The husband explains.
"2,000 years ago, a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he got up."
"I can't take that chance!"

 

[Fuelie74]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.

 

[BBShark]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good
idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

[Fuelie74]

Old Man and the Skinny dipping women

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for
several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach
trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He
grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here
to feed the alligator.''
Some old men can still think fast.. .....

 

[saudivette]

...'I'm here to feed the alligator.''...

Bril :thumbs:

 

[SMYDA]

Calmness In Our Lives

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES


I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of
White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos,
the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. :yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:

 

[big2bird]

Quote of the day

Quote for the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap,

you will receive more **** than any one human being can handle

 

[Bullshark]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which led to a discussion about happy and sad, and whether the feelings were mutually exclusive.

He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

 

[DJ Dep]

Good one Bull!!! Sent that to my wife

 

[DJ Dep]

Baby Boomers

It was fun being a baby boomer... Until now.
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
With new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.



They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore ---- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And my favorite:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

 

[73 Mike]

These were really good Dep. I particularly liked

.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Anyone have Weird Al's phone number?

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Great one DJ DEP:beer:

 

[DJ Dep]

Thanks guys

BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this afternoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.

 

[BRUTAL64]

Thanks guys

BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this aftermoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.

:twitch:

 

[DJ Dep]

Thanks guys

BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this aftermoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.

:twitch:

Yeah....first three hurt so much it knocked me off my feet.

 

[mrvette]

Thanks guys

BTW...talk about weird coincidences...I just got back from the Doctor's office after having apparently PASSED A STONE while peeing this aftermoon!!!!!
No pain or blood, just plopped out while I was going. I've had 3 stones previously. First time I actually saw one. And it was pretty big. :shocking:
I am waiting for a call back from the Doctor about it now.

:twitch:

Yeah....first three hurt so much it knocked me off my feet.

Someone said you were a big prick....guess it was true, eh???:3rd::clobbered:

 

[DJ Dep]

Someone said you were a big prick....guess it was true, eh???:3rd::clobbered:

Well I wish my dingus was bigger when those stones come rushing through!!! :surrender:

 

[big2bird]

Italian boy's confession

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

>
> 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
> loose girl'.
> The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
> 'Yes, Father, it is.'
> 'And who was the girl you were with?'
> 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
> Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
> so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
> 'I cannot say.'
> 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
> 'I'll never tell.'
> 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
> 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
> 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
> 'My lips are sealed.'
> 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
> 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
> The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
> and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
> cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
> Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
> 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

 

[BBShark]

A store selling new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!," she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!." Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives who love sex.

The second floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[DJ Dep]

HA! Good one Jeff!!! Sending that out to my inlaws

 

[Douglas Mariani]

LMAOOOO Thats good Jeff

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Fireman Sam

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.


"Thanks," the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.




"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster."


The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[saudivette]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.


"Thanks," the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.




"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster."


The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Damn! Spat coffee all over my keyboard :lol::lol:

 

[MYBAD79]

 

[big2bird]

In an episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this. Now you know the rest of the story......


'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest an d weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
---

 

[MYBAD79]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your
pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal
thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in
your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it
carefully you will notice that in small print there is a
statement:

' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson
&Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five
times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS
THAN YOURS!
.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on
your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are
just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for
Johnson&Johnson!!!!!

 

[saudivette]

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest an d weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
---

Love it :lol::lol:

 

[BBShark]

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical
establishment.

For example, my internist referred me to a female
urologist. I saw her
yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and
unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying
to examine you..."

 

[SmokinBBC]

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical
establishment.

For example, my internist referred me to a female
urologist. I saw her
yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and
unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying
to examine you..."

LMFAO That is hilarious.....