Official joke of the day thread

[CTVETTE78]

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

 

[Twin_Turbo]

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife.

Mustang forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck ******* in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court.

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - - Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

SRT Forums
- - - Will this void my warranty?

RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
- - - Head too big to fit in car. Should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
- - - Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacky juice stains off the side of mah truck?

Expedition forum
- - - I parked in my garage and now I can't open the doors to my truck, can someone rescue me?

Dodge Ram forum
- - - Am I the only one without "rams head" taillight covers?

Volvo forum
- - - My husband still wears his sweater tied around his neck at soccer games, is this wrong?

Chevy Trucks forum
- - - It aint going into fifth! What in tarnations is wrong? Hell, I aint got all day! Com'on niow ya'll shoot me a holler. Gotta git those darn cows rounded up

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Forums are down due to server fire.

Ford forum:
- - - Anybody know where I can find a good mechanic?

Honda Integra Type R forum
- - - I dont think my tailpipe is loud enough, only half of my neighborhood wakes up when i drive at night, what should i do??

Ford 2.3 forums
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

 

[mrvette]

TT, good ones!!! even little ole' LINDA understood most of them....


she used to do accounting/book keeping at a car dealership...

:bounce::thumbs:

 

[mrvette]

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.:smash::smash::rofl:


http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a70/Starseed2005/TigerWoodsTrojan.jpg

 

[mrvette]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEebpG6P0SY[/ame]

:shocking::devil::drink:

 

[BBShark]

Dear God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting addressed "To God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna




The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office
Sincerely, Edna

 

[Beagle 1]

Miss Johnson asked her 3rd grade class to tell her some of the sounds they heard on their field trip to a farm yesterday.
Sarah raised her hand and said "I heard a cow moo'.
Michael said he heard a pig grunt.
Emily said "I heard a sheep go baa".
Little Johnny was waving his hand furiously, so she asked him "What did you hear at the farm"?





"Get off the tractor you little ****!"

 

[big2bird]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

 

[big2bird]

>FOR THE LOVE OF HUNTING......>> >>Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.>>>Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down>and>tells him he isn't going.>>Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.>>Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank>sitting>there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the>fire.>>"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into>letting you go?">>"Well, I've been here since
yesterday.>>Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind>me>and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'">>I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through>nightie.>>She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and>rose>pedals all over.>>On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!>>She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.>>And then she said, "Do what ever you want.">>So, Here I am. >>

 

[JPhil]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
>
> in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
>
> In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
> turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it
>
> out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
>
> He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
> worried and decided to go to the hospital.
>
> As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
> date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
> could get the peanut out.
>
> The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
> fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
>
> When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and
> daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
> nothing.
>
> Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
> wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
> older?'
>
> The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'
>

 

[mrvette]

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'


:club::club::bump::bump::clobbered:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[big2bird]

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/vh1_reality_show_bus_crashes_in?utm_source=videoembed

 

[BangkokDean]

Weenie Test

Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, were on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggested that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he said. "Okay," they all agreed.

The Irish kid pulled down his zipper and whipped it out.

"That's nothing," said the Italian kid. He whipped his out, and proudly showed that his was at least an inch longer.. Not to be outdone, the Black kid whipped his out. It was by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asked him what he did at school that day.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asked the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids said it's because I'm Black. Is that true?"

His momma replied, "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen, and still in the third grade."

 

[JPhil]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?''Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'' "No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,... "Then, why do you even give a ****?"

 

[BBShark]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

 

[JPhil]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's
wife , Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head
on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked: 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said: 'Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday
afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2pm
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6pm and upon arriving, asked
his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered: 'Why yes, he did stop by
for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked:
'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied: 'Well, yes, in fact he
did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying: 'Good. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from
me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way
home and pay it back.'

 

[BBShark]

The Economy is So Bad That...

The Economy is So Bad That...





I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO 's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you callthem and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the ‘Quarter Ouncer.’

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[mrvette]

http://shitmydadsays.tumblr.com/

You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we’re not watching this ********."



http://shitmydadsays.tumblr.com/



:harhar::lol::smash:

 

[CTVETTE78]

You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we’re not watching this ********."



http://shitmydadsays.tumblr.com/



:harhar::lol::smash:

Gene, Those are hilarious! :rofl::rofl:

 

[CTVETTE78]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." He must be going some place where he gets seen right away.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

 

[SmokinBBC]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." He must be going some place where he gets seen right away.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Now that's friggin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mrvette]

Fishing trip...

Jack Daniels Fishing Story


I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after
a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs
are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog
and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the
lake without incident, And carried on my fishing with the
frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.:drink::gurney:

 

[Beagle 1]

Saw this on another site yesterday--

A woman takes her dog to the vet because she thinks the dog is going deaf. The vet tells her the dog is fine, he just need to have the hair cut out of his ears, then charges her $80. When he sees that she is a little po'd about the $80 charge, he tells her she can just massage a little Nair hair remover in the dogs ear monthly from now on.
So the woman goes to the local pharmacy and asks the pharmasist for some Nair. He points to where it is on the shelf, and proceeds to tell her that she should rub some lotion on her legs after using it. "It's not for my legs" she says. OK, if you use it under your arms, don't use deodorant for a day or two.
"It's not for my underarms either".
Seeing the perplexed look on the pharmasists face, she says "it's for my Snauser".

"Well, in that case, don't ride a bike for a few days".

 

[Beagle 1]

The wife and I were shopping the other day and we wondered off in different directions. After a while, I hear a woman yelling and then realize that it is the wife. So, I start hurrying towards the comotion and we meet up pretty quickly.
Was that you yelling a minute ago?
Yes, some jerk was mouthing off to me.
Really? What did he say? Do I need to go give him a attitude adjustment?
He said that my hair smelled good!
What? That's a little weird, but nothing to get all excited about.
Why did you get so upset??



"He was a midget".

 

[SmokinBBC]

The wife and I were shopping the other day and we wondered off in different directions. After a while, I hear a woman yelling and then realize that it is the wife. So, I start hurrying towards the comotion and we meet up pretty quickly.
Was that you yelling a minute ago?
Yes, some jerk was mouthing off to me.
Really? What did he say? Do I need to go give him a attitude adjustment?
He said that my hair smelled good!
What? That's a little weird, but nothing to get all excited about.
Why did you get so upset??



"He was a midget".

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[mike76c3]

Doh!

Last week I checked into my hotel in Atlanta and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...Well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

 

[saudivette]

Bath Night


A couple took on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath. The woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.....

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but boys on the darts team hadn't!!"

 

[saudivette]

Men and women...

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too". When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:

Damn Corvette wouldn't start today can't figure it out. Got laid though.

 

[big2bird]

Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.