Official joke of the day thread

[BBShark]

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Lexington, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Ohio drawl so's they don't know we is from Kentucky."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Ohio drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Kentucky, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

 

[MYBAD79]

 

[BangkokDean]

Well he's not a red neck..................:crap:

 

[Beagle 1]

This guy is only half stupid. Out here in the getto, the real style dogs wear their ball caps sideways. At least it fits backwards, even if it does look stupid, but sideways couldn't be comfortable, could it? Any stylish dudes care to enlighten us?

 

[BigBlockTank]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar...............




















Hey, it COULD happen!!!!!

 

[mrvette]

Man Test

Just for laughs unless you're offended.



MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and doing the Oprah
diet...******.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it
grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch
except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed. And just think about
how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,
Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ
ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or tits.
Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a ***.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet;
he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as
Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy
latte'. If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man
there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different
types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be
handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his
brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're
gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim,
you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer or
scratch his nuts.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because
you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the
verge of being a salami smuggler.:beer:

 

[mrvette]

Brunette deodorant ...




I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.




I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!!



:gurney::crap::shocking:

 

[DeeVeeEight]

The Bee

The Bee is such a busy soul,

He has no time for birth control.

That is why in times like these,

There are so many sons of Bees....

 

[big2bird]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMCVIlOD9UY&feature=email[/ame]

 

[BigBlockTank]

B2B, that's funny. I was born and raised in NC, and I can see some redneck doing that.

 

[JPhil]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness: The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

As the husband puts a gun to the naked man's head, the wife shouts,
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money!!
HE paid for the Corvette!
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass back up with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

[mrvette]

The Economy Is So Bad,

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD I went in to buy a toaster and they gave me a bank!

 

[big2bird]

 

[elevatordude]

This one is priceless.....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[saudivette]

 

[Twin_Turbo]

THE SAD LIFE OF A PENIS: his hairs a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbors an *******, his bestfriend is a pussy & his master beats him!

 

[mrvette]

Psalms....

Obama is the shepherd I did not want. He leadeth me beside still factories. He restoreth my faith in the Republican Party. He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me. He has anointed my income with taxes. My expenses runneth over. Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life And I will live in a mortgaged home forever. I am still glad I'm an American. I am glad that I am free. But I often wish I were a dog... And Obama was a tree. :beer:

 

[big2bird]

Obama is the shepherd I did not want. He leadeth me beside still factories. He restoreth my faith in the Republican Party. He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me. He has anointed my income with taxes. My expenses runneth over. Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life And I will live in a mortgaged home forever. I am still glad I'm an American. I am glad that I am free. But I often wish I were a dog... And Obama was a tree. :beer:

He must be a busy man to do all that. Perhaps the most powerfull man in all of history.:bonkers:

 

[big2bird]

Catholic Coffee


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[elevatordude]

NO pickup... No problem

 

[big2bird]

Oldie but goodie.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh, ****!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle
... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[big2bird]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF_P77VEPKA[/ame]

 

[big2bird]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8UtRNCztVI&feature=popt17us10[/ame]

 

[big2bird]

> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
> things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically
> okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
> remember ..
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from
> his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure..'
> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
> it?' she asks.
> 'No, I can remember it.'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
> write it down, so a s not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
> strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
> write it down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can
> remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
> for goodness sake!'
> Then he toddles into the kitchen.. After about 20 minutes, The
> old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
> eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
> 'Where's my toast ?'

 

[elevatordude]

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,


"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with ********."

 

[DeeVeeEight]

A Redneck Love Poem

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?) :wink:

 

[mrvette]

Faryland.....

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..
>
> He inquired, "Where have you been?"
>
> God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
>
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
>
> "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
>
> "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
>
> God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
>
> God continued pointing to different countries. " This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
>
> The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
>
> "That's Maryland , the most glorious place on earth... There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Maryland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
>
> God smiled, "Right next to Maryland is Washington , DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
>


:rofl::rofl::tomato:

 

[big2bird]

Oh crap

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

 

[mike76c3]

Miscellaneous Thoughts…

Top 20 Countdown of Miscellaneous Thoughts…

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever..

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

 

[BBShark]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men." "What's your name?", she asked.

He said, "B. J. Titsengolf'"