Official joke of the day thread

[JPhil]

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started.

 

[Douglas Mariani]

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[saudivette]

Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town, hitch their horses up outside the local bar and walk in to slake their thirst after riding all day.

They had ordered their first drink when a dusty cowpoke walked in. He stopped just inside the doorway, removed a toothpic from his mouth and drawled "who's is the white horse hitched up outside?

The Lone Ranger said "it's mine, why what's the problem?"

"He's gonna die" replied the cowpoke, "He's all hot and overheated - you don't cool him down mighty quick and he's gonna die"

"Well, thank you stranger" replied the Lone Ranger and turned back to the bar racking his brain to come up with a solution. Pretty quick, an idea came to him. "Tonto" he says.

"Yes Kemo Sabe?" replied the faithful Tonto.

"I want you to go outside and run around Silver in circles, as fast as you can to create a cooling breeze on him. Can you do that my friend?"

"Yes Kemo Sabe" Tonto said, slid off his bar stool and walked outside to the horses where he immediately started running tight circles around Silver.

Some minutes later, another dusty cowpoke walked into the bar. "Who's is the white horse hitched up outside?" he drawled.

Slightly exasperated that he can't finish his cold drink in peace, The Lone Ranger turns around and says "it's my horse, what's wrong now?"

The cowpoke looks at him and says...



..."You left your ***** running"


:lol::lol:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Older but not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[BBShark]

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[JPhil]

After their 11th child, an Tennessee couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1...2...3...4...5......"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

 

[JPhil]

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WIFE: "Honey, what would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: Uh, er, of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

HUSBAND: "....oh ****...."
__________________

 

[1Michel]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

 

[big2bird]

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN .... IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your
clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

[Douglas Mariani]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[JPhil]

11. You believe any woman who shows an ankle should be stoned to death, but it's perfectly acceptable for you to ******** a 14 year old boy.

 

[BBShark]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his
mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?”

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, “Did your mother tell you to
ask me?” The boy said, “Yes, she did.”

“Well, then, you go and tell your mother there are no baby planes
because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain
that to you.”

 

[Douglas Mariani]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[big2bird]

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people think illegal immigration is a serious problem:


29% of respondents answered: 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71% of respondents answered: 'No es una problema seriosa.'


*****************

 

[Beagle 1]

Just because I'm parinoid doesn't mean "they" aren't watching me!!
Or, you either!! prrtt:

 

[js292]

Subject: Pinocchio

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one
day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the
most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and
they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" " First Place !" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest
man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they
ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the
greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who IS this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Subject: Pinocchio

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one
day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the
most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and
they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" " First Place !" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest
man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they
ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the
greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who IS this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

NOW THIS IS FUNNY!!!!!:thumbs:

 

[clutchdust]

***warning: **** language***

A young American couple went to Italy on vacation. One afternoon as her husband napped, the young lady went to the bar in their hotel to watch the sunset. It was a beautiful view from the bar high on a hill overlooking a quaint seaside Italian village. There were just a few people in the bar, one happened to be an older local man sitting alone at the bar. She sat a few stools down and ordered a glass of wine. After a few minutes, the old guy, obviously quite tipsy, looks at the young woman and in a thick accent says,
"Look down there in the town. You see all the houses in the town? There's 300 houses in the town. Guess how many Luigi (pointing to himself) built. Luigi built 200 houses. But do they call me Luigi, the house builder? No!"
"Look at the river. See all the bridges crossing the river? There's 20 bridges crossing the river. Guess how many bridges Luigi built. Luigi built 15 of those bridges. But do they call me Luigi the bridge builder? No!"
"You see all the boats in the harbor? There's 100 boats in the harbor. Guess how many boats Luigi built. Luigi built 75 boats. But do they call me Luigi the boat builder? No!!!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
highlight>"But you **** one goat....!"

 

[MYBAD79]

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT - 2009

*******

WASHINGTON , DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.


"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer.


"We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."


Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.


Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)


Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.


Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.


The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.


Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as,


"Do you have any goals for the future?"

or

"Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"


"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , MI. due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.


Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and also find a place for all illegal aliens no matter how useless they may be."

 

[clutchdust]

MYBAD, i'm having a hard time telling if that's a joke or a real act of congress!:huh2:

 

[js292]

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT - 2009

MYBAD, i'm having a hard time telling if that's a joke or a real act of congress!:huh2:

We already have a place for these people, it's called the Government!

 

[saudivette]

11. You believe any woman who shows an ankle should be stoned to death, but it's perfectly acceptable for you to ******** a 14 year old boy.

But apparently, you're only gay if you "take it". To be the "giver" is quite normal and ok... :rofl:

 

[JPhil]

One day long, long ago, there was a woman who did not bitch, whine, complain or nag.


But that was long, long ago and it was just that one day.

 

[Douglas Mariani]

One day long, long ago, there was a woman who did not bitch, whine, complain or nag.


But that was long, long ago and it was just that one day.

One day?....One WHOLE day??........Sorry but I don't believe it.

 

[big2bird]

One day long, long ago, there was a woman who did not bitch, whine, complain or nag.


But that was long, long ago and it was just that one day.

One day?....One WHOLE day??........Sorry but I don't believe it.

Maybe she was texting instead?

 

[mrvette]

Wife just caught this on TV local news this AM....

We all know what a doughnut hole is....ball of doughnut dough about a inch diameter sugar.....

well seems some fast food chain is coming out with Biscuit holes....

so they do a taste test on a two platters marked A and B.....

so the taster sez, 'The B hole is definitely better than the A hole.''''.....:hissyfit:

 

[BBShark]

Apparently the board members of Arcelor-Mittal Steel Co. were feeling it was time for a shakeup and hired a new CEO.



The hard nosed new boss was determined to rid the company of any and all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"



A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week.. Why?"

The CEO told him, "Wait right here." He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

To make sure that everyone got the message, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Delivered pizza from Domino's"

 

[BBShark]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.



He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'



OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.




In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'


The devil led him to the door of the next room..





In it was George W.. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.

I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.





The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing wh she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'



The devil smiled and said . . . . .









'OK, Monica, you're free to go.

 

[BangkokDean]

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Slice.


2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink..


3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.


4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.


5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.


6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.


7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical problem.


Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

 

[BBShark]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'