Formerly the guy known as "clutchdust"

Thank you all for your well wishes. I informed the mods about this prior to posting because I wanted my original account and just change my screenname but I guess there is some rigidity in the forum that made that a difficulty. In a way, this might be better. Why not start with a new account with my new identity?
The mods expressed the same skepticism a couple of you may have felt, thinking that my account was hacked. Even to the point of contacting me outside the forum to confirm that it really was me. This went on for a couple of weeks and I appreciate the diligence expressed in making sure I really was me.
DeeVeeEight said:
I am sure that you feel a lot better now that you are out with this. A close member of my family is also transgender, female to male, and struggled terribly before he was able to be open and honest with the world about his situation.
Bravo!
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I feel for him. The reality is that I believe there are some aspects that are easier for me, and some easier for him. The reality is that neither of us have it easy. I would rather go through cancer again. In fact, there was more than one instance when I thought, "shit, I wish it was testicular cancer. They could just take these things. Not like I'm using them". Funny how we think. If your family member is open, ask him and I'll bet he's had similar thoughts and experiences.
Bullshark said:
Glad to see you took my post as it was intended. (good natured humor) No underlying barb was intended although many people today jump at the chance to yell foul at the drop of a hat and claim it so. It tells me a lot about your character. Today's climate of absolute political correctness has little room for individual human interaction. Wish you all the happiness you deserve.

BTW, are you lesbian or straight? :devil:
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I have to have a sense of humor about this or else I would kill myself. Believe me when I say that the best studies show that about half of the people who identify as transgender have attempted suicide before. That number is getting better now because society is becoming more accepting, or at least indifferent, which is a lot better than outright mockery and ridicule.
As for the gay or straight part, I haven't really made up my mind yet. I'm still far more attracted to women but I'm holding open the possibility that later on in transition I may entertain other options. But for the rest of this year at least this is just about getting right with me. I have far too much on my plate to include a relationship at this point.

7t9l82 said:
wow, this is the most activity i have seen on this forum in a long time. who is going to transition next? :beer:
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Oh God! I don't think the servers could handle anyone else coming out! Not to mention I think GENE's head might explode!

69427 said:
I agree with 1Michel. As I've gotten older I keep fearing that I'll end up on my death bed with regrets on what I should have done, or not done in life. In my youth I was deathly afraid of failure, and some of my decisions and activities were self restricted because "I might fail" at that particular activity or action. I've spent the last twenty years trying to make up for that. Some things I've been able to finally accomplish, while there are other lost opportunities that I'll have to take to my grave. I still fail now on a regular basis, but I'm learning a lot of things and enjoying life more.

Good luck on this new journey of yours, and I wish you well, my friend.
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That is why I'm kind of going "pedal to the metal" right now. I've actually known for more than 20 years. Even in my childhood/teenage years I was very confused about my own identity but related to girls/women more than boys/men. Granted, the 80's and 90's were a completely different time socially and medically, but I can't adequately express the sense of loss I feel for that time.


One last thing I will request. I know I'm only speaking here to one or two members so the rest of you can disregard this. But this is my journey, and my story to tell. I chose here to be the first non-TG site to come out for a reason. I will come out in other forums I am a member of at a later time. Please allow me the distinction of doing so.
 
Twin_Turbo said:
mrvette said:
OH, bullshit!!!!:clobbered::drink:
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Gene, think twice before you post please
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I saw that post. I know where GENE is coming from. I grew up in an entire city/state/region that thought that way. As long as he's respectful, or at least not openly demeaning, he is welcome to make any comment he chooses. Many people here will not understand nor accept this as a part of the human condition. I'm envious of those who have never struggled with their own gender. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Some of you will never be able to relate, and that's fine. I just ask that you at least entertain the idea that your experience is not inclusive of humanity.

I posted this here because this is a small community and I think we feel more like real friends here than maybe over at VB, DC or CF. I am open to a dialog. I have no desire or intention of becoming some kind of advocate or crusader for transgender issues, but the reality is that each and every one of you has seen/met/known someone who identifies as TG. Maybe not openly or maybe they're "stealth" and assume their gender identity so well that you simply don't know, but we're out here. And we're largely normal people. I sincerely hope that even through and after my transition I am still as much into my car as I have been all my life. Besides, what's hotter than a chick who can rebuild a small block chevy?
 
VegasJen said:
7t9l82 said:
wow, this is the most activity i have seen on this forum in a long time. who is going to transition next? :beer:
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Oh God! I don't think the servers could handle anyone else coming out! Not to mention I think GENE's head might explode!
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May I dig up the time Gene got all horny about Fran Blanche...:devil:
Closeted?

VegasJen said:
One last thing I will request. I know I'm only speaking here to one or two members so the rest of you can disregard this. But this is my journey, and my story to tell. I chose here to be the first non-TG site to come out for a reason. I will come out in other forums I am a member of at a later time. Please allow me the distinction of doing so.
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As long as you keep serving us your fine prose:drink:
 
Congratulations on reaching a point where you could be truly honest with yourself and others as to who you really are, and best of luck on your journey! :beer:
 
I have been flowing these posts and think I understand, but what I don't understand is why a forum name change was necessary? To me clutchdust could be anyone, male, female or transgender.
 
VegasJen said:
Twin_Turbo said:
mrvette said:
OH, bullshit!!!!:clobbered::drink:
Click to expand...

Gene, think twice before you post please
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I saw that post. I know where GENE is coming from. I grew up in an entire city/state/region that thought that way. As long as he's respectful, or at least not openly demeaning, he is welcome to make any comment he chooses. Many people here will not understand nor accept this as a part of the human condition. I'm envious of those who have never struggled with their own gender. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Some of you will never be able to relate, and that's fine. I just ask that you at least entertain the idea that your experience is not inclusive of humanity.

I posted this here because this is a small community and I think we feel more like real friends here than maybe over at VB, DC or CF. I am open to a dialog. I have no desire or intention of becoming some kind of advocate or crusader for transgender issues, but the reality is that each and every one of you has seen/met/known someone who identifies as TG. Maybe not openly or maybe they're "stealth" and assume their gender identity so well that you simply don't know, but we're out here. And we're largely normal people. I sincerely hope that even through and after my transition I am still as much into my car as I have been all my life. Besides, what's hotter than a chick who can rebuild a small block chevy?
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Clutch, I read your post first, and so I thought you were kidding around, did not take it seriously, untill TT's comment, then I happened to click on another thread where you alluded to making the announcement, that's when I realized I made a error in judgement.....my feelings are NOT about ridicule or anything else, sorry I caused anguish, it was not my intent....I treat the .net as a source of laughter, entertainment, and anymore the tech stuff is almost secondary....especially as my car is done, and I"m outta money anyway.....I still consider you a good cyber friend that like most, I will never meet....Take Care old Buddy.....:crutches:
 
here is a tip for our old friend with the new name, if you want to see ridicule go to cf and tell everybody you put pro-comp heads on your engine. then you will see ridicule and condescension .:D :rofl:
 
VegasJen said:
Twin_Turbo said:
mrvette said:
OH, bullshit!!!!:clobbered::drink:
Click to expand...

Gene, think twice before you post please
Click to expand...

I saw that post. I know where GENE is coming from. I grew up in an entire city/state/region that thought that way. As long as he's respectful, or at least not openly demeaning, he is welcome to make any comment he chooses. Many people here will not understand nor accept this as a part of the human condition. I'm envious of those who have never struggled with their own gender. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Some of you will never be able to relate, and that's fine. I just ask that you at least entertain the idea that your experience is not inclusive of humanity.

I posted this here because this is a small community and I think we feel more like real friends here than maybe over at VB, DC or CF. I am open to a dialog. I have no desire or intention of becoming some kind of advocate or crusader for transgender issues, but the reality is that each and every one of you has seen/met/known someone who identifies as TG. Maybe not openly or maybe they're "stealth" and assume their gender identity so well that you simply don't know, but we're out here. And we're largely normal people. I sincerely hope that even through and after my transition I am still as much into my car as I have been all my life. Besides, what's hotter than a chick who can rebuild a small block chevy?
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I agree. I prefer the atmosphere here compared to any other forum.
 
I am one who can't relate but as a fellow traveler in life's journey, I wish you well.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk
 
VegasJen, I might have some questions for you that I may PM you about. Since I have a 17 year old niece who recently confided to the family of the same. She feels more at ease since opening up. I don't know you, but good luck. And I hope you find what your looking for.

Ralphy
 
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GENE, you are welcome to post, ask questions, make statements, whatever you like. You did not offend me. Marck may have been a little protective given the circumstance, I appreciate it but it's not necessary. So long as the discourse remains civil, anyone is welcome to post whatever they like. I know many people can't wrap their brain around this and think it's all just a weird choice. I wish it were. Believe me, I really, really don't want to be trans. This is less fun than being attacked by herpes infested flees, while tied to a tree, and set on fire.

If I could choose I would be completely normal. I have tried to live the last ~40 year pretending to be. Tried to convince myself I was normal. A lot of that is because of the stigma society puts on the transgender issue. It is still incredibly misunderstood. I stated previously, I don't think any of us understand what makes us like this. How can we explain something we can't understand ourselves? What I can tell you is that for as long as I can remember I've hated looking in the mirror and seeing a guy looking back. I was always envious of women. The clothes they can wear, the things they can get away with that is socially unacceptable for men, just the natural beauty of womanhood. I have always hated the male role I was supposed to play. Chasing the woman, I never could do that. I didn't have a single date all through high school. I hate the idea of having to stand up for my woman, I'm really a giant chickenshit. Basically all those ideas of what people say is "womens work" and "mens work", I am more comfortable in the female role.

But this post is dragging. Let me move on.
BangkokDean said:
I have been flowing these posts and think I understand, but what I don't understand is why a forum name change was necessary? To me clutchdust could be anyone, male, female or transgender.
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Great question! And you even kind of answered it yourself. Part of coming out is not hiding who I am. I will go into greater detail in the following post but the short version answer is that hiding behind the anonymity of the internet is kind of a "cheat".

Ralphy, please PM me.
 
This is going to be a long post. You've been warned.

Dean asked a valid question earlier and I want to expand on this.

Let me give you a brief (it won't seem like it but believe me, it is brief) insight into what transition means.

First, this is not as easy as just going to a doctor and saying "I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body". BTW, I hate that analogy. It works for 10 words but that's kind of like saying the history of flight is the Wright brothers built a plane and now we can fly across the country.

Here's what happens. First a person has to have enough emotional distress and internal conflict to address the possibility they may be transgender. Then that person generally seeks out some kind of council. Nothing really happens though until he or she sees an actual therapist. At that point the therapist works with him/her and helps figure out if these feelings are deep seated or a phase or part of a larger issue.

If they together conclude he/she is truly transgender, then the transgender identified person needs to make some decisions. Can he/she live as the gender presented outwardly? Does the person want or need to make changes to live life in his/her "target" gender? If so, how far does that person want to go? Many transpeople live lives without completely transitioning. Sometimes due to expense, sometimes it is simply a personal decision, sometimes there is some other reason that makes sense to that person. This can also be kind of fluid. Some people may want to fully transition at first but decide not to later on for whatever reason. Some may decide to start and feel the further along they go the more they want to complete transition.

Now let's take me for instance. I'm what's considered "male to female" (MtF). Naturally born male who identifies as female and wants to take the necessary steps to become as female as medically possible. I have been seeing a therapist since October and have a diagnosis of GID (gender identity disorder). Also sometimes called Gender Dysphoria, there is a fine distinction between the two but they're often used interchangeably. I have several things that need to be done before I could have GRS (gender reassignment surgery, also sometimes called SRS, sex reassignment surgery, and also called GCS, gender confirmation surgery). The important part is that the idea of surgery is to make the outside look like how the inside feels. Think of the residual self imaging from "The Matrix" movie.

But that's jumping ahead a bit. The next couple of steps used to be linear but recent revisions to the Standards of Care have loosened them so that they may run parallel or overlap. For the purpose of this I will explain it linearly.

First, the person must live what's called the RLE "Real Life Experience". In that, the person must live for at least 12 months every day, all day, in his or her target gender (there's your answer, Dean. I'm working toward my RLE). Of course, almost all of us experience this first by going "part time". That's where I am now. What that means is that we gain experience by living in the target gender when we can. The biggest restriction why people go part time is generally work related. As you can imagine this is still a difficult subject in the workplace. As it is now, I'm almost full time everywhere outside of work. I'm still not out there, but that time is coming.

The purpose of the RLE is so that the person has as much experience as possible living exactly how life will be after transition. It's not something that can be reversed so doctors and psychologists don't take it lightly.

The next part is hormone therapy (HRT). I just started my HRT a couple of weeks ago. I am on two drugs right now. One is an antiandrogen (blocks testosterone), the other is estrogen. I take the testosterone blocker twice a day and estrogen once a week by injection.

I think this is a good point to break down what HRT will and won't do.
What HRT will do: I will begin to grow breasts (something I'm very excited about). I will redistribute fat from the traditional male locations around the lower abdomen to my hips/butt area. I will lose muscle mass especially in my upper body. Probably the only part I am not looking forward to. It will reduce my body hair to be finer and my skin will soften.
What HRT won't do: it will not make my voice higher. For that I have to train it. If I can't train it to sound "passable" (being outwardly perceived as female), there are surgical options but they are expensive and risky. It won't stop me from growing facial hair. It can reduce it, but male facial hair is too well established after puberty and only gets more resilient with age. That's why I'm going through electrolysis. Sadly, I'm not a candidate for laser treatment because my hair is too light. Laser would be much faster and cost about half as much. With electrolysis, I am looking forward to around 200 hours of treatment with the current rate of about $60/hr, so I'm looking at around $12k so I don't grow facial hair any more. I'm currently at about 35 hours, maybe a bit more. My electrologists (yes, more than one.) are currently focusing on the upper lip, lower lip and chin, then moving out from there. The reasoning is because those areas are most pronounced and harder to cover with makeup. They are gradually moving out as the areas are cleared. But even cleared (all the hairs are removed at that time) the hairs will grow back a couple of times before finally succumbing to a bombardment of electrons. Right now, the area from my chin to my upper lip will still grow but at less than half the speed of the untreated areas. And the hairs that do grow now are much finer, more like arm hair than whiskers.

Wow, that was a lot!
So now let's pretend I've completed my 12 months of RLE and I've been on HRT for 12 months. If I have the money I can begin to consult doctors for GRS. That's an expensive proposition in itself. It's not as bad as I used to think it was but still, I'm looking at between $20-30k. Dean probably already knows this but Thailand is the number one country in the world for GRS. Thai doctors have more experience than any other country in the world. A surprising little fact is that Iran is the number two country. Ya, go figure. Their logic is that GRS is the solution to homosexuality. Not planning on going there though. I may go to Thailand. Depends. I would prefer to stay stateside, but it is more expensive. Of course, some of that savings is offset by the cost of travel.

I haven't even mentioned some of the ancillary things people may not think of. For instance, I am hoping to complete a name and gender marker change this year. Name is easy and self explanitory. Gender marker is the actual mark on my driver's license that states 'female'. I can do that now since I have a GID diagnosis. Then I'll have to do all the things that come with that, like change my bank account and credit cards. I'll have to change all my billing accounts, the name on my mortgage, title on my cars, documents for work, etc, etc.

There's more to it too. That was just the brief rundown of things I could actually think about.

Sounds like fun, right? Now someone tell me I just woke up one day and "chose" to do this.
:bullshit:
 
VegasJen said:
GENE, you are welcome to post, ask questions, make statements, whatever you like. You did not offend me. Marck may have been a little protective given the circumstance, I appreciate it but it's not necessary.

snip
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I thought you were miffed because of his comment (which I still feel was out of line) because of your reply, that you subsequently removed. Yes I can see the deleted posts even after you delete them ;)
 
I might have been a little preemptive with that response. That was kind of in response to the general tone of a thread over there that was basically open season on trans identified people. Many people over there were pretty openly hostile to the idea of transgenderism even exists. In fact, one response which I felt was pretty illustrative of the overall tone, in reference to transpeople, was "there is male, female and mentally defective". I know most people hide behind the anonymity of the internet but still, that's pretty narrow minded and nasty.
BTW, I'm not saying that GENE said any of that. But he and I both participated in the thread.
 
Twin_Turbo said:
I thought you were miffed because of his comment (which I still feel was out of line) because of your reply, that you subsequently removed. Yes I can see the deleted posts even after you delete them ;)
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So you are an agent of the NSA..........:sweat:
 
"The purpose of the RLE is so that the person has as much experience as possible living exactly how life will be after transition. It's not something that can be reversed so doctors and psychologists don't take it lightly."

Hey Jen,

How's the medical community been with this project? Is it difficult or easy to find the Doctors? What's the acceptance level? Is there any Insurance support?

Are you going this alone or is there support at home?
Are you going to be able to stay working? Have you talked to the folks at the shop?

Steve
 
Twin_Turbo said:
My avatar is not a mole just for no reason ;)
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He is lurking in the underground, in the Netherlands.......


:lol:


Now I shall explain one asspect of my response, we have some business relationships in this house, to do with home remodeling, some from foundation through roof, I don't do much physical activity due to age and arthritis, anymore,.....but other family members DO....wife's family, actually they be unemployed in this economy if not for this business....

SO, one company is headed by two lesbians, one is president, the other works elsewhere, in the same trade.....one of them has a daughter, who is ALSO in a lesbo relationship, and works in the company.....

before this I only knew one lesbian couple in my life, that I"m aware of, did remodel many houses for guy couples though, well every time a party was held at my place up north, years ago--way before the internet, the couple would attend, and the divorced EX of one of them would show up as one of the crowd on the guys side of the table, Good old Maryland crabs and beer, every 4th of July.....Reason I met up with all them was that one of the gals was sister to the gal I was living with, after the divorce.....and of course my kids who were like 10&12 at the time of THIS visit to the house that the two lived in, for Christmas.....on the way home my daughter asked why the two of them had no boyfriends....I said did you notice there is only ONE bed in the house,?? the other bedroom was dedicated to arts and crafts....soon as that realization hit her, she cracked up laughing.....
and there was a 3rd sister also, she was a MOONIE, you know church of Sun Yun Moon?? most of you older guys maybe heard of the operation, anyway she was one of the thousands of Moon who was married to her husband and they owned a farm ette of several acres out in W. Va. he worked at the church headquarters......so where was THAT?? In Northern Va. just outside DC, I forget the address......and guess what company was next door to them......and I shit you NOT, either.....


MARS candy company, makers of the Mars bars you buy in the stores....:cool::hijack:

So now you all maybe have a bit of understanding of my response.....


:noworry:
 
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