mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Yup, about 4 years ago.....:crylol:
Official joke of the day thread
- Thread starter big2bird
- Start date
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Yup, about 4 years ago.....:crylol:
Twin_Turbo
Der Maulwurf
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2008
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Those prices are what it was like here last year, replace $ with E and Gallon with Liter 
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Those prices are what it was like here last year, replace $ with E and Gallon with Liter
YOU all get raped stupid about that ****....taxes up the ass, so % wise you don't notice the increases like we do....
last ~3.5 or so years gas has more than doubled....
:hissyfit:
JPhil
Huh?
And so it came to pass.....
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
__________________
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
__________________
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Young Chuck, moved to Texas...
...and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
...and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
How I became a pilot...
How I became a pilot...............
One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for flight training and a military commission.
"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"
Those who spell spine become doctors...the rest of us went to flight school...
:nuts:
How I became a pilot...............
One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for flight training and a military commission.
"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"
Those who spell spine become doctors...the rest of us went to flight school...
:nuts:
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CTVETTE78
Garage Junkie
A gift from God
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it
could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it
could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Pick your battles.....
Sometimes you gotta pick your battles (joke)
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir,
please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co." :hissyfit::nuts:
Sometimes you gotta pick your battles (joke)
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir,
please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co." :hissyfit::nuts:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle.":club:
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle.":club:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle
15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods,
aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
The Greeter said, "Damn, I missed it by an inch!"
15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods,
aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
The Greeter said, "Damn, I missed it by an inch!"
mike76c3
Well-known member
I have some questions . . .
I believe these were first asked by the great philosopher Gallagher, but I'd like to know too:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? :huh2:
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
How come we choose from just 2 people to run for president but 50 for Miss America? :huh:
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Mike
I believe these were first asked by the great philosopher Gallagher, but I'd like to know too:
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? :huh2:
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
How come we choose from just 2 people to run for president but 50 for Miss America? :huh:
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Mike
Lie Detector
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjVVNuraly8[/ame]
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjVVNuraly8[/ame]
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
I've always been interested in history but I didn't know this.
CONDOM HISTORY
In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
CONDOM HISTORY
In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
I was at Chili's last night when I noticed two large women
in the next booth. They both had strong accents so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales
from Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember... :stirpot::sos:
in the next booth. They both had strong accents so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales
from Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember... :stirpot::sos:
CTVETTE78
Garage Junkie
Your latest Harbor Freight deals!
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Beagle 1
Well-known member
I thilnk my lesbien neighbors misunderstood my answer when they asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
They got me a real nice wrist watch, but what I actually said was ----
"I wanta watch"
They got me a real nice wrist watch, but what I actually said was ----
"I wanta watch"
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Senior Love...
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite' :shocking:
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite' :shocking:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Medical Alert.......
Medical Alert
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion. This is good to know...
MEDICAL RESEARCH
Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
hone::shocking::beer:
Medical Alert
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion. This is good to know...
MEDICAL RESEARCH
Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
hone::shocking::beer:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Saying Grace ...
Be nice
Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "
The End:stirpot::lol:
Be nice
Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "
The End:stirpot::lol:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Little Johnny & the mortgage
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!":lol::lol:
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!":lol::lol:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
Jason and the Johnson
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
SmokinBBC
Well-known member
OMG that is friggin hilarious!!! I am laughing so hard I have tears running down my face!
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
:hunter:
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
:hunter:
mrvette
Phantom of the Opera
A mother is cleaning her teenage son’s room when she sees some magazines under his bed …
… Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror, she screams.
The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son’s bed, and asks, “What’s wrong?” And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, “What are those?”
The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.
The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, “What are we gonna do with this boy?”
Her husband replies, “Well, we’re not gonna spank him. That’s for sure.”
:crutches:
… Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror, she screams.
The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son’s bed, and asks, “What’s wrong?” And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, “What are those?”
The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.
The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, “What are we gonna do with this boy?”
Her husband replies, “Well, we’re not gonna spank him. That’s for sure.”
:crutches:
Pete was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
MYBAD79
Moderator
Subject: The Truth Emerges
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
Douglas Mariani
Well-known member
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
