Official joke of the day thread

[JPhil]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[saudivette]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning!

***​

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Angela.

***​

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face.

***​

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.. Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

***​

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

 

[mrvette]

Boudreaux and Thibodaux
Setting...Louisiana

Boudreaux: "Thibodaux, I think I'm a gonna go back to de school".
Thibodaux: "Whatcha gonna take Boudreaux"??
Boudreaux: "Don't a know, gonna talk to them and see".

So, Boudreaux goes to see the placement counselour at Baton Rouge community college.

Boudreaux: "So what do I need to take to to start back to school Mrs. Counselour"??

Counselour: "Well, we're gonna start you out with readin' writin', rithmatic, and logic".

Boudreaux: "I understand everything but Logic, what be that logic"??

Counselour: "Well, let me explain logic this way. Boudreaux, do you have a weed whacker"?

Boudreaux: "Why yes I do"

Counselour: "Well, using logic, I can come to the conclusion that you have a yard"

Boudreaux: "Amazing, why yes I do"!

Counselour: "Also, by using logic, since you have a yard, I can come to the conclusion that you have a house".

Boudreaux: "Amazing, why yes I do have a house".

Counselour: "Since you have a house I can also conclude that you have a wife and kids that live with you in the house".

Boudreaux: "Yes Mrs. Counselour, I do have a wife and kids, this logic is amazing".

Counselour: "Finally, by using logic, since you have a yard, a house in that yard and a wife and kids, I can conclude that you are heterosexual".

Boudreaux: "This logic be amazing stuff, that is correct, I am a heterosexual".

Boudreaux signs up for all of his classes and goes back to tell his friend Thibodaux all about his experience.

Boudreaux: "Well Thibodaux, I did it, I signed up for classes today".

Thibodaux: "Whatcha gonna take there Boudreaux"?????

Boudreaux: "I'm gonna take readin', writin', rithmatic, and logic".

Thibodeaux: "I understand everything but de logic, what be de logic"???

Boudreaux: "Well, let me ask you a question. Do you have a weed whacker"???

Thibodeaux: "Nope, I shore don't"

Boudreaux: "You're a fcukin queer"!!!!!

 

[mrvette]

[Sixty Years of Math in America

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The cashier took my $2.00 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's o.k.)

6. Teaching Math In 2010s

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?]

 

[mrvette]

today:

a logger sells a truck of lumber for $100. It cost him $80. he also paid $10 in gas taxes, $5 in tolls, $15 for a commercial license, $12 in 'protection' money, had to buy $40 in safety gear he'll use once, and lunch was $5, but he got a $25 parking ticket while he ate.

in what sane world would he do this twice?

 

[doingMach1]

today:

a logger sells a truck of lumber for $100. It cost him $80. he also paid $10 in gas taxes, $5 in tolls, $15 for a commercial license, $12 in 'protection' money, had to buy $40 in safety gear he'll use once, and lunch was $5, but he got a $25 parking ticket while he ate.

in what sane world would he do this twice?

Lmao! That's funny!

 

[BBShark]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever lying there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.​

 

[BBShark]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.



Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.



The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.



The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes,and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'



The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

 

[CTVETTE78]

Buck wheat from the little rascals turned muslim! ... changed his name to KAREM O WHEAT. :harhar:

 

[mrvette]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[mrvette]

Success is like being pregnant . . .
Eveybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fvcked.:smash::smash::hunter:

 

[mrvette]

What do you need at home...
A Teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A Computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says “At my house we don't need nothin."
The Teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........."
"When my Sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my Dad saying,
"Well, that's the last f---ing thing we need." :nuts::clobbered:

 

[BBShark]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I
should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you
sick bastard."

 

[mrvette]

Things heard while waiting in line at the bank...
A cop is cashing his paycheck. The teller asks him how he wants it back. "4 quarters, 3 dimes, and a nickel!", he announced for all to hear.

***********

A customer is cashing a check. The teller asks him how he wants it back.

Customer: "Cash, please."

***********

A customer runs into his friend in line. He says, "This is my anniversary! 20 years with the same woman!"

Friend: "Hey, congratulations, bro!"

Customer: "Yeah, and if my wife ever finds out...."

 

[BBShark]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are

personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little

girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[BBShark]

First Law of Mechanical Repair

First Law of Mechanical Repair: As soon as your hands become coated with grease, your nose will began to itch or you’ll have to pee.

 

[Douglas Mariani]

An Italian MaMa

An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa


Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you MaMa
=

 

[mrvette]

Doug, that's a good one, best laugh of the week.....

thanks.....Linda loved it....


:rofl:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

23 adult truths

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish my Garmin had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Doug, that's a good one, best laugh of the week.....

thanks.....Linda loved it....


:rofl:

I thought is was great and had to post it :thumbs:

 

[mrvette]

As for #17, avoid MLK ave....

:hissyfit:

 

[MYBAD79]

California vs Arizona......


The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.



*ARIZONA*

The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail.

A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.

 

[mrvette]

MyBad, that IS NO JOKE.....:cussing:

 

[Kid Vette]

Yep, he nailed it. This isn't actually a joke but relates to MyBad's post. 200 lbs of Feces

 

[Douglas Mariani]

With Euro going down, Ford to acquire Renault

With Euro going down, Ford to acquire Renault



Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus”, they have designed the “Clitaurus”.

It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

 

[BBShark]

Two female friends are catching up . . .

So, how was your evening last night??

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later!

And you? - Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home fromwork. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home,under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It waswonderful...

MEN. . .
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...

So, how was your evening last night?? - Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You??

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When Iswitched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full! The dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ******* candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

 

[mrvette]

Two Virgins (joke)
Virgin Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota,takes a lightning quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena , is still a Virgin-in every vay.'
The doctor told him, 'Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the Motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. 'Olaf... you are the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Olaf immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena, still in DA CRATE!'

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Terrorists have kidnapped Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the beltway outside
Washington DC.

Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

[mrvette]

If kan C or nazi......

Date: Wednesday, November 30, 2011, 2:13 PM





The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.



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[MYBAD79]

CONDOM HISTORY :


Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

I hope you appreciate this history update.