Official joke of the day thread

[1Michel]

On a rainy day....


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope....... Just when it's raining!"

 

[CTVETTE78]

Toyota simulator

http://toyotasimulator.com/

 

[SmokinBBC]

http://toyotasimulator.com/

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[CTVETTE78]

 

[BBShark]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .



Today you voted."

 

[Fuelie74]

How To Call The Police When You're Old And Don't Move Fast Anymore.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

 

[mrvette]

A woman from France is touring in the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, "I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in de bush." The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products.
In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist. He asked her if her condition was cleared up.
"Why yes, eet is," she replied. "In fact all of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Pierre's moustache---eet's also gone!"

 

[CTVETTE78]

I went down this morning to sign my dog up for welfare.
At first the lady said, dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.
So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his daddy is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets his first check on Friday.

 

[Douglas Mariani]

The Little boy and the Preist

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.


The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.



The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'



The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'



The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'



The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

[DeeVeeEight]

Morning sex

Morning Sex


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[DeeVeeEight]

Viagra ingredients revealed

Ingredients in Viagra

I knew it...... I just knew it! I knew they would
eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

 

[vette]

After retiring,
I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said,
"Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home,
I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said,
"You should have dropped your pants,
you might have gotten disability, too."

 

[mrvette]

NO ********......

First-year students at Texas A &
M's Vet school were attending their
first anatomy class, with a
real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the
class by telling them, "In Veterinary
Medicine, it is necessary to
have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the animal
body." For an example,
the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the
dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in
his mouth. "Go ahead and do
the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out,
hesitated for several minutes but eventually
took turns sticking a finger
in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it. When everyone finished,
the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my
index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher
if you're stupid."





:nuts::crap::banned:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

The Absolute Best Little Johnnie Joke

Little Johnnies neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnies family was invited over to see the baby.



Before they left their house, Little Johnnies dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.



When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.



Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great",said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be ****** if he needed glasses!"

 

[Douglas Mariani]

The Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating... Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

> Broken Coffee Table $239.99
> Hot Breakfast $4.20
> Two Aspirins $.38
> Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

> PRICELESS

 

[mike76c3]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”


"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."


The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."


The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."


The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"


"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

 

[elevatordude]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, " Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane, instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[BBShark]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys; helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 

[js292]

 

[mrvette]

The Sierra Club and the U.S.. Forest Service

The Sierra Club and the U.S.. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote
population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and
true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had
a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured
alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest
Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a
couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood
up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand
our problem here", "These coyotes ain't fukin' our sheep - they're
eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room.
The meeting never really got back on track.

 

[BBShark]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[73 Mike]

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

My wife tells me that I found this very funny. :lol:

 

[Fuelie74]

At a bar...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"

 

[73 Mike]

New Arizona Color CHart

 

[BBShark]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet

tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[mike76c3]

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications: won't beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

 

[elevatordude]

Thats one hell of a combover

 

[mrvette]

What in hell are those guys, Yakuza??

:suspicious::rose:

 

[BBShark]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."