Official joke of the day thread

[DeeVeeEight]

The post man

A post man was making his regular deliveries, when he approached one of his stops the lady of the house stood in the doorway in some lingerie and crooked her finger at him in a "come here" gesture, so he went to the front door. Now she was at the foot of the stairs and crooked her finger at him again, so he went to the bottom of the stairs. By this time she was at the top of the stairs and crooked her finger at him again, so up he went. Now she is at the bedroom door, still inviting him in so he follows her into the bedroom. Now she is in the bed and invites him in, so he complies, they do the nasty and when they are done she rolls over and reaches for the night table, picks up a dollar and hands it to him.
What's this for? he asks.
She replies "When I asked my husband what we should give you for Christmas he said "**** 'em, give 'em a dollar!"

 

[DeeVeeEight]

Three guys, a white guy, a black guy and a Spanish guy are in a foxhole in Viet Nam when a shell comes down and kills them all. All three go to the pearly gates and ask St. Peter to let them in. St. Peter informs them that they must first go to hell and pass a test that Satan will give them, so they go to hell and sit in Satan's waiting room. Finally Satan comes out and says "I am going to give you a test. You will drop your pants and take your pecker out. I will grab your pecker with my hand of fire and if it melts you stay in hell".
First the white guy goes, he drops his pants, Satan grabs his pecker, the poor guy screams, his pecker melts and he goes to hell.
Second the Spanish guy goes with the same results.
Third is the black guy. He drops his pants and Satan grabs it with his hand of fire but nothing happens, so Satan turns up the heat and tries again but the results are the same. Now Satan is rather upset so he yells at the black guy "What is going on here!?!?" The black guy just laughs at Satan and says "Don't you know that the chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand?

 

[BBShark]

A Fox News photographer on the run.

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can
take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is ... you're NOT my Flight instructor

 

[mrvette]

Trying to outsmart a woman


Outsmart
a woman........Are
you kidding.....



A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing..
We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the
house to pick my things up..

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.


Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but,
otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass,
and a few Pike.

He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the
answer.


X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X



The
wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle
box".

Never,
never, never
try to outsmart a woman!!!

:smash::surrender:

 

[MYBAD79]

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!


edited Sipping her drink, theedited single editedgirl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing20a leather coat.edited When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.edited He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"edited



Theedited engaged editedwoman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!edited When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.edited He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"edited


Theedited married edited woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.edited I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.edited I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.edited I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.edited I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

 

[vette]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

 

[JPhil]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

 

[big2bird]

THE MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS:


"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the **** happened."

 

[DeeVeeEight]

There's this guy who has a really high squeaky voice. He likes going to the bars to pick up women but when they hear his voice they are turned off, so he goes and makes a doctors appointment to have his voice checked out.
At the doctors office he is led into an examination room, handed a paper gown and told to change into it for an exam. A few minutes later the doctor comes in and examines him and discovers that the guys dick hangs down past his knee. The doctor informs him that his dick, being so big and heavy, is pulling on his vocal chords and causing his voice to be abnormally high. After further discussion they agree that surgery to remove some of the excess is in order.
A few weeks after the operation the guy returns to the doctors office for a follow up exam. The doctor examines him and everything looks fine but the patient complains to the doctor that he can't quite satisfy the ladies like he used to.

The doctor replies in a high squeaky voice.....


SORRY ! A DEAL'S A DEAL ! ! ! :harhar:

 

[DeeVeeEight]

Sam and Sadie #1

There's this old man Sam and his wife of many decades Sadie. Sam has recovered recently from a heart attack and is actually feeling quite good so he asks Sadie what should it be OK if they make a little whoopie, what with him feeling so good and all. Sadie tells him NO, that if Sam should die of a heart attack or some other thing while they were making whoopie that she could never forgive herself. Sam pleads with Sadie and finally she says to him OK - Go to the doctor and get a note saying that it is OK for you to make whoopie, this way if anything should happen it's not my fault. So off Sam goes to the doctor and explains his predicament to him. The doctor writes Sam this note.

Dear Sadie,

It is my pleasure to inform you that Sam, since recovering from his heart attack, now has the stamina of a 27 year old and that making whoopie is good for him (and you too). Enjoy!

The doctor hands the note to Sam and asks him if it is OK. Sam looks at the doctor and says - Yes, but could you change one little thing for me? Where it says Dear Sadie, could you change it to - To whom it may concern.....?

 

[DeeVeeEight]

Sam and Sadie #2

Sam once again is feeling frisky. Sadie is watching TV in her night gown. Sam says to Sadie, "Sadie, I am thinking that it is time that we made whoopie again, please to lift up the night gown". Sadie, feeling rather put upon says "NO!" Sam again repeats his demand "Sadie - lift up the nightie!" Sadie again says "NO!" and heads off into the bathroom and locks the door. Now Sam starts pounding on the bathroom door and yells "Sadie, if you don't open this door I will break it down!" Sadie yells at Sam through the door "What are you, Superman? You can't even lift up a nightie, you're going to break down a door?!?!"





Yeah I know it's lame......

 

[big2bird]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes--------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store-- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------------ A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ----- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ---------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

 

[big2bird]

EMPLOYMENT TEST QUESTION

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,?

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:?


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.?

2. An old friend who once saved your life.?

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.?


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there?

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue?

reading.?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part?

of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is?

going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take?

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be?

the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able?

to find your perfect mate again.?


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................?


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble?

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car?

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I?

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'?


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn?

thought limitations.?


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box..'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put

her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood

of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.?


God, I just love happy endings!??

 

[turtlevette]

He simply answered: 'I would give the car?

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I?

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'?

turn over the keys to my vette. Never. They can have their tellemarketing supervisors position. :lol:

 

[JPhil]

turn over the keys to my vette. Never. They can have their tellemarketing supervisors position. :lol:

Amen, brutha!

If they are waiting at a bus stop, then none of them are in a critical hurry.

I'd greet my old friend & give him my address & phone number, tell him to give me a call. Then I'd call 911 for the old lady if she wished, and drive off with the hot chick in my car. And my friend would have given me a grin & a wink as we drove off & left him in the rain, because that's what buddies do....

(And then I'd call my wife and tell her I'll be a little late tonight.....)

 

[BangkokDean]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning
when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Congress comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congress men lined up waiting for a free haircut!!!

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of congress.

Vote very carefully next year...!

 

[js292]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to
have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are
with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there
is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for
shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress
and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

 

[SmokinBBC]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to
have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are
with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there
is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for
shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress
and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

:lol::lol:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to
have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are
with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there
is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for
shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress
and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[BigBlockTank]

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar................................................








Hey, it could happen!!!!:crylol::crylol:

 

[JPhil]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

 

[BBShark]

Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that ******* would’ve tried that **** with me!’”

 

[BBShark]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked. That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou wrote on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained. 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'

She replied ... 'Your horse called.'

 

[mrvette]

FEMA GENIE


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase...
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the geni e.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes..'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, an he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the co wboy says.... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
*** POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there 's going to be strings attached.




:clobbered::bounce:

 

[big2bird]

Write your own story here

 

[JPhil]

:rofl::rofl::rofl: "Here's yer sign!" :rofl::rofl::rofl:

(Jeff Foxworthy)

 

[68L71]

you let your wife try launch the boat????

 

[saudivette]

Haha, good one :thumbs:

The guy on the small white boat on the right hand side of the pic seems to have noticed :lol:

 

[DeeVeeEight]

Gee Officer, I thought I bought a HYBRID..... You mean I can't do that????

 

[big2bird]

See, I just can't help but notice the BLUE OVAL on the back. I wonder if that means anything?:stirpot: