Official joke of the day thread

[BBShark]

Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking
it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called
turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If
you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on
a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

 

[BBShark]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

The wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

[BBShark]

A Saudi Arabian prince comes to the U.S. to visit Washington D.C. While there, he stops in to meet President Bush. After the introductions, and some small talk, they are sitting in the oval office and the prince turns around and says, " My son really likes American t.v., especially science fiction. He is a very big fan of Star Trek." Bush replys, "I like to watch Star trek too." The prince then says, "Yes, it's a very good show. Men and women, Americans and Russians and Asians, blacks and whites all working together. But what he was wondering, is why aren't there any Arabs?" President Bush looks over at the Saudi prince and says, "Because it's in the future."

 

[JPhil]

Judge to prostitute: 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

 

[JPhil]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ...and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
'Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...

'YE S! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her w innings
and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'

Moral of this story ---


Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men ..... are men.

 

[BBShark]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[JPhil]

A young Hillbilly named Kenny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The following day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'

Kenny replied, 'Well then, just give me back my money.

The farmer said, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I spent it.

Kenny said, 'OK. Just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Kenny answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Kenny responded 'Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Kenny answered, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer asked, 'Did anyone complain?'

Kenny said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him back his two dollars.'

 

[BBShark]

UCLA Medical Research

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

 

[BBShark]

Careful what you Ask

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and> approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

[1981Z06Vette]

Why Don't They Have any Prostitutes in Tennessee?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. They're all Volunteers!

 

[69427]

UCLA Medical Research

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

You're killing me, man.:lol:

 

[Douglas Mariani]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and> approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

LMFAOOOO That is so true

 

[big2bird]

Henry Ford Dies

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter.
"Henry, we are so glad to see you. You have been granted any wish you want." Henry says, "I would like an audience with the Lord."
"Granted", and poof, he is with him.
And the Lord says, "Henry, why do you wish to meet with me?"
"Well Lord, I just wanted to know what you feel was YOUR best invention. Mine was the Model T Ford."
"Well, I would have to say women."Says the Lord.
"Henry replies, "I can name at least 10 flaws with women."
"They break down for 5 days every month, their rear end is loose, they are top heavy, they make loud noises,.........." The Lord interrupts;
"Henry, I can assure you, more men will ride a women than will ever ride in a Ford."

 

[Txeagle]

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this....

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Angel the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I wakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!

 

[mrvette]

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say!

Which accounts for some of my **** too.....:withstupid::hunter::bump::bounce:

 

[big2bird]

Dog diary/Cat diary

Dog Diary
____________________________________________________________

7:00 A Outside! My favorite thing!

8:00 A Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:00A A ride in the car! My favorite thing!

9:30A A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30A Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

Noon Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 P Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

2:00 P Looked out the window and barked! My favorite thing!

3:00 P Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

4:00 P Chased a bird out of a tree! My favorite thing!

5:00 P Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 P Watched my people eat! Table scraps! My favorite thing!

7:00 P Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 P Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 P Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



CAT DIARY:
____________________________________________________________

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat while the other inmates and I are fed hash
or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for my rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a good little hunter I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
Was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
That my confinement was due to the power of allergies. I must
Learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
My captors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
Try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
Snitches. The dog continues to receive special privileges. He is
Regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return.

He is obviously retarded.

 

[saudivette]

The following question was asked in a recent poll:


'Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?'

21% Said: Yes

17% Said: No

62% Said: عهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

 

[Douglas Mariani]

Oil Change Instructions for Men and Women

Oil Change instructions for Women:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 + Coffee $1.00 = Total $21.00.



Oil Change instructions for Men:


Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.

Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 wrench in box.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

Clean up mess.

Have another beer while watching oil drain.

Look for oil filter wrench.

Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

Beer.

Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug from step 11.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

Drink beer.

Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

Drink beer.

Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

Begin cussing fit.

Throw wrench.

Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 2007 in the left ****.

Beer.

Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

Beer.

Lower car from jack stands.

Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

Beer.

Test drive car.

Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

Car gets impounded.

Make bail.

Get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 + DUI $2500.00 + Impound fee $75.00 + Bail $1500.00 + Beer - $25.00 = Total $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!

 

[big2bird]

The farmer and the student

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

'Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out
And got some milk?'

'You don't get milk from milkweed,' the farmer replied.

'Oh yes you can, ' said the young man, 'I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it.'

'Well, help yourself,' said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch When the same young man drove up.

'Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk,

I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I Wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?'

'You don't get honey from honeysuckle,' said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.

Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's' house. 'Sir, yesterday when I was getting the
Honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the Creek.'

The farmer said, 'Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you.....'

 

[crazyhorse]

New Olympic record...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2UmVxKZC40[/ame]

 

[Fuelie74]

The Old Biker

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH $ 2.50 HAND-JOB $ 100.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you? ' 'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs? 'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.' The old biker replies, 'well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!

 

[BBShark]

 

[big2bird]

 

[kwplot34]

How did you get my DR report :cussing:

 

[SmokinBBC]

Subject: THREE SOUTHERN BOYS

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm. 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

'Well, Bubba had two ********.'

'What? He had two ********?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen em,' but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two ********.'

 

[Fuelie74]

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and
the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and
just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate
love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about
you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She
kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

 

[DJ Dep]

Little Johnny/Big People Words

Subject: Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the First grade.



The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked Alex what he had done over the weekend.
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.'What book did you read?'

Little Johnny thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the ****'.

 

[Fuelie74]

Double Dose

A man went to his doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'

The doctor finally relented, saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, b ut you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, -- with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up!'

 

[BBShark]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on
their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog
and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat rye bread every
day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll
have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if
he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye
bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would
you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you
get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the
world knows about this **** but me.

 

[BBShark]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one
engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met
for drinks after work. The conversation eventually
drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their
men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,
'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my
boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all
the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all
I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
right then an d there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty
much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday,
he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather
bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so
turned on that we not only screwed all night, he wants
to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did
a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids
to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil
bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into
a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''