Official joke of the day thread

[BangkokDean]

This is what all of us: 70+, other seniors, and kids (south of 60) have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.



The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.



An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.



When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

 

[BangkokDean]

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race, they ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

 

[BangkokDean]

A good looking blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

One day whilst supervising the children she notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie !"

 

[BangkokDean]

For Those Who Love The Philosophy Of Ambiguity, As Well As The Idiosyncrasies Of The English Language, Read On……..


1. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila...... Floor.


2. Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.


3. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes?


4. I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, "where's The Self- Help Section?"
She Said If She Told Me That, It Would Defeat The Purpose.


5. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?


6. Is There Another Word For Synonym?


7. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant?


8. If The Police Arrest A Mute, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?


9. Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?


10. How Do They Get Deer To Cross The Road Only At Those Red Triangular Road Signs?


11. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?


12. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.


13. Do Infants Enjoy Infancy As Much As Adults Enjoy Adultery?


14. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?


15. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?


16. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?


17. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word 'lisp' To Have 's' In It?


18. If You Spin An Oriental Man In A Circle Three Times, Does He Become Disoriented?


19. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against ‘acts Of God’?


20. Why Do Shops Have Signs, 'guide Dogs Only' - The Dogs Can't Read, And Their Owners Are Blind?

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in
​ ​
San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ......................

 

[BBShark]

George was a single guy living at home
with his father and working
in the family business.

When he found out he was
going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find
a wife with whom to share his fortune

One evening, at an investment meeting,
he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy,"
he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die
and I will inherit $200 million."

Intrigued and impressed,
the woman asked for his business card;
three weeks later
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better
at financial planning than men.

 

[BangkokDean]

https://www.facebook.com/JakeyyPrice/videos/10200748292734341/

 

[BangkokDean]

https://www.facebook.com/JeffDunham/videos/10154163818963827/

 

[BangkokDean]

There are important questions to be answered about this new bathroom legislation, and transgenders being able to use a restroom of the gender of their choice.

Will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers? Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked by each Pecker Checker?

And the there is the classic question: How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto...........???

"If you gotta pee - We gotta see!"

 

[BangkokDean]

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes we do," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes it does," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

 

[BangkokDean]

Florida woman avoids alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol!

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlements and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
“If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."
"His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now."

 

[BangkokDean]

VISIT TO A LOCAL MOSQUE



The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming.

So I too decided to go to the local mosque at Lakemba in western Sydney for the first time to see what it was all about: Lakemba has a large Muslim population and the Lakemba Mosque is Australia's largest mosque.

At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you WILL walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside --- and bugger me he was right----

MY CAR WAS GONE

 

[BangkokDean]

Happy Hour Southern Style

My friend Bubba
was driving down a rural back road in Mississippi...
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself,"Them's my three favorites

 

[BangkokDean]

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas ) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business. In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!
Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".
The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church... "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."
Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply.
He then opened the hearing by saying: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

 

[BangkokDean]

SIGNS

A sign in a Vancouver shoe repair shop:
"We will heel you
We will save your sole


Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
“Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.”

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on
fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss
a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment
on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”


At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…:
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."

 

[BangkokDean]

IDIOT SIGHTING.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

[BangkokDean]

More fun

 

[BangkokDean]

The Sheer Nightgown....

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon .

Closed coffin.

 

[BangkokDean]

The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cock fighting being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate. Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Longhorns, de local Cajuns, and de Demcratic Natnal Chair from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immediately dat dem Longhorns was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see ... " sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Democrats were involved?"

"De duck won!"

 

[BangkokDean]

You may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. But some of us miss their kind of humour. Not a single swear word in their routines, and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy their jokes.
*A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
*I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
*I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
*Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
*We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
*My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
*My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
*The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
*The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
*Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
*A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason is Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."
*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
"What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
*Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

 

[BangkokDean]

How Politics Works...

I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"
He said "NO!"

I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!!
He said "OKAY!"

I got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!"
He said "NO!"

I told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"

I went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!"
I told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!"
*That’s Exactly how Politics works….*

 

[BangkokDean]

I found this old school picture.
I am not sure of the year exactly and I don't know who everyone is.
But I am about 99% sure that is you in the back row on the right.

 

[BangkokDean]

I think my cat is Muslim

 

[mrvette]

I found this old school picture.
I am not sure of the year exactly and I don't know who everyone is.
But I am about 99% sure that is you in the back row on the right.

HOW did you know?????:shocking:

 

[mrvette]

I think my cat is Muslim

:shocking: Needs be a black cat......:beer:

 

[BangkokDean]

I think my cat is Muslim

:shocking: Needs be a black cat......:beer:

Great thanks, I was getting worried for nothing.:beer:

 

[BangkokDean]

A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband

reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something

I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"



Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you.

Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years,

but always for a good reason." Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's

confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean

by 'good reasons'?"



Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we

were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next

day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.

You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Charles said.



"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the

money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your

doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course

I can forgive you for that.



Now tell me about the third time."



"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president

of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

[BangkokDean]

My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the **** I am now…