Official joke of the day thread

[BangkokDean]

Blessed are those that can give without remembering; and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and

the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

 

[BangkokDean]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed the telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but after a moment the dog moaned and then the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current every time the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

 

[BangkokDean]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible

2. A silver dollar

3. A bottle of whiskey

4. A Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

What I never knew about vodka

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.. The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them..
9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me!
I've only been drinking the **** ! HUMMMMMM

 

[BangkokDean]

A retired guy sits around the house all
day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like
vacuum the house once a week”. The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says:
“Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?
Half an hour
later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says,
“I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do
the vacuuming”? Exasperated, Joe
answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a
new one”. “Really”, she says, “show
me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

 

[BangkokDean]

Not for the squeamish!!

SECONDS before Death (totally unaware).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)

 

[BangkokDean]

In the news today from Texas....

 

[BangkokDean]

Husband and his wife had a bitter fight on the day of their 20th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, “Here lies my wife – cold as ever.”
“Yeah” she replies, “And when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here lies my husband – stiff at last!”:thankyou:

 

[BangkokDean]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
”Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.”

 

[BangkokDean]

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids, what do they need at home?
1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response

Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure.
When my sister started dating a Muslim,
I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last ******* thing we need."

 

[mrvette]

When you are over seventy...
When you are over seventy...
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches..but, when you’re over seventy................who cares?



Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
Lady Cashier: She threw everything on the counter at me until I left
When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but when you’re over seventy................who cares?

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?

 

[BangkokDean]

Feeding the birds in Ecuador

So much emotion in just one photo!

 

[BangkokDean]

A World Health Organisation (based in Geneva, Switzerland) study shows that eating ham and salami while drinking a glass of good wine
at each meal reduced the risk of becoming an Islamic Terrorist by exactly 100%.

 

[63SWC]

Damn You Kong!

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the ******** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
A
Now you know why some people are where they are!


I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula…………..
how true it is. :crylol:

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

Gynecologist's Assistant:

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Los Angeles and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go to San Francisco.

"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.

 

[BangkokDean]

Sheffield Police today stopped a car driven by a Pakistani.
Constables were amazed to find the car was taxed, insured, not stolen and carried no bombs or weapons.
The car wasn't an illegal taxi and the driver wasn't pissed or stoned, but had a full valid driving licence with no points.
A police spokesman said, the constables had no choice but to fine Abdul £80 for wasting Police time.:goodnight:

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

A Pilot Father's Love

Most people today think it improper to discipline children.

So I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective Is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.











Should work with grandkids too.

 

[BangkokDean]

The Talking Centipede

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the shop keeper for a new pet.

“I don’t want a cat or a dog I want something different!” Specifies the man.

The shop keeper informs him that they have some talking centipedes for £50.

Happy with that the man buys his new pet and carefully takes it home in a match box.

When he gets home he carefully opens the matchbox, looks down at the centipede and says:

“hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

The centipede says nothing. Assuming it must be tired from the trip from the pet shop he thinks “I’ll give it half an hour then ask it again”.

30 Mins later he again goes to the centipede and says “hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

Again the centipede says nothing. The man thinks to himself “ok I will give it another 30 mins and if it doesn’t talk to me then I’m taking it back!”

30 Mins later the man goes to the centipede and says “hello mr centipede do you fancy going down the pub for a drink?”

The Centipede replied “I heard you the first blooming time! I’m putting my shoes on!”

 

[mrvette]

Definition of "aplomb"
For my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly. His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee? THAT, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

SENIOR DRIVER


My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore." (That's what my Aunt Irene said.)

He asked "How do you know?"

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.

I told him, yes and handed it to him."

He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.'

So I thanked him and left!

 

[BangkokDean]

• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.


• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."


• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.


• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .


• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

 

[BangkokDean]

HISTORICAL FACT

Who says building a border wall won't work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago
and they still don't have any Mexicans.

 

[mrvette]

It Is So Hot That......

The chickens are laying hard boiled eggs......:gurney::hissyfit: