Official joke of the day thread

[BangkokDean]

NAG NAG NAG An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a
shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR
THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

[mrvette]

The president and the queen
Barry Obama met The Queen, and he turns round and says:

"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom". To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Obama, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Obama thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Obama".

Obama thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little T'ed off by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Obama, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Obama could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

 

[MYBAD79]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just Wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet.

 

[mrvette]

The last line says it all...

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone
and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is
for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia
and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished
the devil informs him
that the cost is a million dollars,
so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England
and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished
the devil informs her
that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn
and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished
the devil informs him
that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic
and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies,
"Since Obama took over,
the country has gone to hell,
so it's a local call."
:devil:

 

[BangkokDean]

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical
Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks... like I said … my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."

 

[BangkokDean]

Cooper Loves Ice Cream

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHvExOg4NI0

 

[BangkokDean]

Do you have a Mexican maid?

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk To her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

[BangkokDean]

Marriage after 1 year, after 5 years& after 25 years...
click on link below

http://www.safeshare.tv/w/fQKuZiFaLA

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman but I Woke Up with a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Just Like Having You Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

 

[mrvette]

Back when I was in Jr. High, I was on a cave tour in the Florida Caverns State Park when a woman mentioned her fear of bats.

I made the mistake of making the fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu noise like the sound the wings of a bat make, when she wasn't expecting it. It was then that I learned the term "bat-**** crazy woman."


:sos::stirpot::harhar:

 

[BangkokDean]

First the Apple

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn!!

 

[BangkokDean]

The Geography of a Woman


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.

THE END.

 

[BangkokDean]

AN AMISH LADY IS PULLED OVER BY A POLICE CAR...

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector

on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles.

Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

 

[BangkokDean]

LAWYERS
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of

his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road,drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"Oh, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"

 

[BangkokDean]

Absolutely Brilliant
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[mrvette]

Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.:hissyfit::yahoo:

 

[BangkokDean]

Subject: The Morality of Dishonesty!?

A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”

Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." ?
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait”, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral :Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

 

[BangkokDean]

The Golfer

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see
the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my
ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball,
then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies,
"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I
believe every prick should have two balls.

 

[BangkokDean]

A Poem"

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

 

[68/70Vette]

Whenever we go someplace, my wife gets really actively involved when it comes to parking.....park here...no don't park there...park over here...etc. Similarly for various street options of going somewhere. Turn here..etc.

 

[BangkokDean]

BLACKLISTED
They never let ya down.
Julius Malema has gone to court to have the word "blacklisted" banned.
Required to state his case, Julius said: "This racist word is demoralizing
for the Blacks of this country! How can you put people on a list just
because they're black, why not put whites on a list also?".
The judge, looking pained and after thinking for a minute said:
"Whites are on a separate list, they are called "Tax payers."
Case dismissed.

 

[BangkokDean]

Descriptive definitions...

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelors degree
and a woman gains her masters.

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either.

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece.

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on.

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before.

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read.


SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!


OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life.


YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth.

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
mistakes.

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip.

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from the EIFFEL TOWER
says midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!


FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature.

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early.

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before an election
and your confidence
after.

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!

 

[BangkokDean]

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're ******* bad luck."

 

[BangkokDean]

What my English teachers did not teach....

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Dl1i656Ja2I?rel=0

 

[BangkokDean]

What Retirees Do for Fun

Sometimes being retired is not very exciting. However,
you can make things more interesting on … garbage day.

 

[mrvette]

Don't mess with old folks...!
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
:smash:

 

[mrvette]

Lucky Luciano
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luciano was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Luciano reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Luciano smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied.
Luciano reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Luciano falls onto his back, gasping..
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"


Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
………no I’m Swedish :surrender:

 

[BangkokDean]

Makes you think! Was this a miracle??

ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE, JESUS WAS BORN IN BETHLEHEM, IN PALESTINE, A
COUNTRY WHERE PEOPLE ARE CALLED MOHAMMED, ABDUL, MOUNIR, AZIZ,

AHMED, FARID, OMAR, YOUSSOUF, MOULOUD, ETC

AND THIS DUDE MANAGED TO FIND 12 BUDDIES CALLED JOHN, PETER, PAUL,
PHILLIP, MARK, THOMAS, LUKE, MATHEW, ANDREW AND SIMON ....

WHO ALL DRANK WINE !!!

THAT'S WHAT I CALL A MIRACLE!.

 

[BBShark]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk;
they connect;
they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.


The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



"Pick any prize from the middle shelf"!!