Official joke of the day thread

[mrvette]

Two Black dudes were sitting at a bar. One of them says, "Every time I have sex with a White woman, my face feels hot, my eyes get red, and tears roll down my cheeks."

The other one says, "Yeah, me too."

First one: "Must be the pepper spray...." :bump:

 

[mrvette]

A girl is standing at The Gates of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." :smash:

 

[mrvette]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

 

[mrvette]

There were these two black guys sitting at a bar in a club, and a gay guy comes up and puts his arm around both of them and says, "Who wants a ********?"

Both of the black guys got up and beat the living **** out of him.

When they sat back down at the bar the bartender asks why did they beat him up.

One of the black guys said, "I don't know, he said something about jobs."

 

[BangkokDean]

The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.:surrender:

 

[mrvette]

A Zebra dies and goes to Heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?"

Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes?

The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades.
Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively.

Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.."
Zebra, "how do you know that??"
Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'

 

[BangkokDean]

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Not many people know this.

 

[BangkokDean]

WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!
Smile, Regardless of Age or Gender You Know It's True…
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. ''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with ****s like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

 

[mrvette]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

 

[BangkokDean]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

 

[BangkokDean]

Take a look at this outrageous holiday video for preparing dinner. A must for
those who cook.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niegc7QcilM

 

[BangkokDean]

Sexy" police officer stops cars in hopes of selling a calendar containing sexy pictures of him and his colleagues.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7t3enuWobYU

 

[BangkokDean]

Russian video that made the whole world cry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmKKaf2F6uk

 

[BangkokDean]

A GIGGLE with the GOATS Jingle Bells Holiday Performance
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4_EdJ-XkUA

 

[BangkokDean]

Scary Amusement Park Ride in Russia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk_8H-zx-nc

 

[73 Mike]

Scary Amusement Park Ride in Russia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk_8H-zx-nc

That's maybe he most horrifying ride that I've ever seen. Bet they have to hose that ride down every night :lol:

 

[mrvette]

Scary Amusement Park Ride in Russia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk_8H-zx-nc

That's maybe he most horrifying ride that I've ever seen. Bet they have to hose that ride down every night :lol:

LIke going for a ride in a fighter jet.....don't eat nuttin for 2 daze.....


:suicide:

 

[JPhil]

Scientist jokes.....

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: "Your round."
Electron: "Are you sure?"
Positron: "I'm positive."


A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the Great War. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is ordered to quickly inform headquarters.
"NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!" he sends.
"NaCl over NaOH? What does that mean?" his officer demands.
"The base is under a salt!" came the reply.


A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"


An old monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. He asks to go to the basement vaults of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Much later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says, "The word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"


What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.


A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''


What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips.


A labourer walks into a bar and goes to order. The scientist in front of him says to the barman: "I've had a tough day, can I have a glass of H20 please?"
The barman hands him his drink and the scientist happily sips away.
Not wanting to seem stupid, the labourer says to the barman: "Yeah, can I have a glass of H20 too please?"
His funeral's tomorrow.


Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

 

[JPhil]

Where's the best place to stand when you're cold?

In the corner. It's 90 degrees there.

 

[mrvette]

SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, "You're pulling my leg."
************************************
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
************************************
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
************************************
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?
*************************************
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
*****************************************
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
******************************************
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went back to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
******************************************
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
********************************************
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
*******************************************
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
*********************************************
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
*********************************************
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
***********************************************
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
************************************************** *****

So how do you know if you've walked into a Gay bar?

When a gentleman walks up to you and asks if he can push your stool in for you... You look down, and see that it's bolted to the floor...

************************************************** *****

Was reading in the paper this morning... Headlines were "woman beats off rapist"! And i wondered... Was that a compromise?

************************************************** *********

I used to think I was really good in bed, then I found out my girlfriend was just epileptic.

************************************************** ****

You can say a lot of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

************************************************** **

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend.

************************************************** *

Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard.... Pillow fight I guess!

************************************************** ***

Why do they sterilize the needle for a lethal injection? Looks like they could save us some money and use the same one over and over!

************************************************** ***

Apparently tipping the strippers that have fake ****s with monopoly money is not acceptable! I thought fake was fake.

 

[BangkokDean]

"Sal Monella" tells the story of Twas The Night Before Christmas

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3fgRV5N_qQ[/ame]

 

[BangkokDean]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," says the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

[mrvette]

A Man Brings His Best Buddy...........
.............home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"



"Because he's thinking of getting married." :smash::rofl:

 

[BangkokDean]

Subject: Diaper logic

Okay, here's the reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people poop in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

There now, wasn't that simple?

 

[BangkokDean]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

 

[BangkokDean]

AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING


ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a
long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"

_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."

_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a
few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

 

[BangkokDean]

GRAMMA'S WISDOM

My grandmother died in the 60s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5c she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the driveway. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 coke bottles for the deposit money, on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my
own family. 'And always remember this,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft upper-class voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?:chinese:

 

[BangkokDean]

Ten Catholic Priests were killed in a car accident .When they arrived at the pearly gates St. Peter said "Any of you pedophiles can **** off down the road to Hell".

As nine of the priest started to walk away he said " and take this deft bastard with you".:tth:

 

[BangkokDean]

*An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old
man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He
walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand anda bottle of whiskey in
the other.*



*The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"*



*The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance .
. . never really wanted to."*



*A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.*




*The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be
tied.*



*When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.*







*The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through
the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The
silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared
at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.*



*The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands,as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"*



*The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir. But I've always wanted
to."*



*There are a few lessons for us all here:*


*Never be arrogant.*
*Don't waste ammunition.*
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.*
*Always, always make sure you know who has the power.*
*Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.*


*I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?*

 

[BangkokDean]

When is drunk too drunk?
Two buddies, Fred and Barney, were getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Barney throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will
kill me!"

Fred says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Barney stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a tough
time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Barney says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me......he had
one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was berry
sorry an' stuck twentie bucks in my breast pocketfor the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."
"Oh, yeah....... I almos' fergot. He shhhit in my pants, too."