Official joke of the day thread

[BangkokDean]

FROM THE Gulf Shores.....TEXAS

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

 

[mrvette]

Bedtime is a gas
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ***** in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

A man named Bob received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced
with profanity.

Bob tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Bob was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. Bob shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, Bob threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bob quickly opened the door
to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's outstretched arms and said...
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior.'

Bob was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, then the bird continued:

'Now, sir...May I ask what the turkey did?'

 

[BangkokDean]

Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that?" "We both got 19 questions correct." "This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager: "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'
You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

 

[BangkokDean]

Pakistani Pile driver


The recent, horrible and tragic building collapses in South Asia have already resulted in the adoption of new building construction standards and practices... In a regulatory effort to ensure this type of disaster never again occurs.

Only a month after more than 1,100 Bangladeshi garment workers lost their lives in the collapse of a badly-built and poorly-maintained eight-story building, the new building code has, thankfully, gone into force... And its rigid practices are already being applied by highly-skilled and properly-trained construction teams laboring on jobsites all across the sub-continent.

For you construction Gurus, click on this link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFb0nLCKypg

 

[mrvette]

Waiting Room At The Dr's Office Not The Best Place To Share A Joke
Perusing through my mail on the phone when I read this joke .
Cracked up and 85 year old Mother who was filling out forms at a new Dr Office looked at me with that stern look that said WTF is wrong with you .
I showed her the Joke and she cracked up too .
The office staff were looking at us so I apologized at the window and shared the joke with them .
Well the Dr then came through so he had to know what was causing the commotion .
Well we didn't get ejected and were lucky there wasn't a room full of people so it was a memorable day at the Dr's office .
I won't read jokes at the Dr's office again . Glad they had Kleenex handy .


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[BangkokDean]

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

 

[mrvette]

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

border patrol: yeah, we saw the rabbit, we gave him a hot meal and a place to live until we can sort out just how many kids he has.

DEA: we're pretty sure the rabbit is actually a mule, but the tracks don't match our handbook.

DHS: we have no record of a rabbit being a terrorist, but we are going to add him to the no fly list anyway. can't be too safe.

secret service: he's on our kill list, after all, we once had a rabbit threaten president Carter, and we can't be too safe when it comes to rabbits.

IRS - We believe the rabbits name is Jimmy Hoppa.
:devil:

 

[BangkokDean]

Jimmy Hoppa......:hunter::rofl::rofl:

 

[BangkokDean]

Only the British could dream up this commercial - 30 seconds long.

http://zanylol.com/dyson.html

 

[BangkokDean]

THE BARBER


A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'

 

[BangkokDean]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
"What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to
change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian
name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood
for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not
be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.......The agent opens an envelope
sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a
check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who
would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed....

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed
to change my name. Determined to make it with my
God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny)

 

[BangkokDean]

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about ?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

 

[BangkokDean]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"You're bullshitting me, right?
You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

 

[BangkokDean]

Love Making Tips For Seniors


1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want...The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

so true :lol:

 

[mrvette]

Rudolph the Red
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

Rudolph the Red
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

why were they speaking english?

 

[Bullshark]

THEATER SEATS FOR SENIORS!!!!!!!

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seat in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry Sir, but your only allowed one seat".

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "SIR, if you don't get up from there I', going to have to call the manager.

Once again the old man just muttered and said nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the isle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to remove the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The responding officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "
all right buddy whats your name?"

Fred, the old man moaned.

"Where ya from Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied.................................................................................


......The balcony"

 

[mrvette]

Rudolph the Red
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

why were they speaking english?

:1st: No one speaks Russian.....

 

[BangkokDean]

What goes up hill with 3 legs?

I believe this is the best one, yet, for "not messing with old people."

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


Don't mess with seniors!

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

:lol::clap:

 

[mrvette]

:1st::beer:

 

[mrvette]

The Hits Just Keep Coming: Enjoy these wacky headlines.
December 16, 2013 – Just one more editorial review might have saved these headline blunders. But then again, their gaffes are our VBOT laughs!

Enjoy these funny headlines.

•Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

•Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

•Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

•Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

•Farmer Bill Dies in House

•British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

•Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

•Miners Refuse to Work after Death

•Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

•War Dims Hope for Peace

•If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

•Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

•Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

•Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

•Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

•New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

•Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

•Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

•Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

•Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

•Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

•Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

[mrvette]

Plumb your house in BEER~~~

http://www.youtube.com/embed/HG_wfMK7dko?rel=0



:devil:

 

[BangkokDean]

Friends and Family:

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

 

[mrvette]

:devil::bump::bounce::goodevil: