Official joke of the day thread

[BangkokDean]

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin ******s, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

 

[BangkokDean]

Panties On A Plane

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for
the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on
sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied,
'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up

in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe
resant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.' 'Wot?
No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties, cos, honey,
dey always look for da Black Box first.

 

[BangkokDean]

MOVING TO DETROIT

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[BangkokDean]

HE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke....

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

 

[BangkokDean]

Medical Distinction

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal.

 

[BangkokDean]

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow.

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

 

[BangkokDean]

Grandma And Grandpa Were Watching A Religious Healing Program On Tv ...

The Evangelist Called To All Who Wanted To Be Healed, To Put One Hand On The
Tv And The Other On The Body Part They Wanted Healed ...

Grandma Hobbled To The Tv And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On Her
Arthritic Hip ..

Grandpa Made His Way To The Set And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other
On His Crotch ...

Grandma Looked At Him With Disgust: "you Just Don't Understand,you Old
Coot .. The Purpose Of This Program Is To Heal The Sick, Not Raise The
Dead .....

 

[BangkokDean]

Sometimes getting old is okay............

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near
hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you
today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is
very lonely, "she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her
swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How
did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[BangkokDean]

Paddy has a broken leg

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How ya doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate... run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.

So mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year -old twin daughters lying on the bed.






He says, “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with the both of you.”

They say, “Get away with ya… prove it.”

Mick shouts downstairs, Paddy, both of em?”

Paddy shouts back, “Of course both of em, what’s the point of ****** one!!??”

 

[BangkokDean]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for awhile, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel alot better. So I thought, soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Big Wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 metre final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own Doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[BangkokDean]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of
assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

 

[BangkokDean]

Today's Funny Video:

This has to be one of the Funniest comedy scenes of all time.

Ruth Buzzi really gives it to James Stewert and Dean Martin.

http://laughloudtoday.blogspot.com/2013/09/ruth-buzzi-roasts-jimmy-stewert-classic.html#.UmeY9HDI2So

 

[BangkokDean]

50 Shades – the Sequel

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out..........

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"=

 

[mrvette]

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.

The mom then asks, "why on Earth do you need that?"

The boy replies, "Isn't that what you give dad when his **** won't get hard?"

:bump:

 

[BangkokDean]

5 Minute Management Course

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity..

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk..… 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'



'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.


Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

 

[BangkokDean]

Apple does it again

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499..00 and $699.00, depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

 

[BangkokDean]

-Another older but goodie

-Another older but goodie

I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?

'What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I > haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,




"Hey 'Mom...you still awake?"

 

[BangkokDean]

Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!!
This is truly first grade logic,

Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!:shocking:

 

[mrvette]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[BangkokDean]

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, Grandpa Gene, it was boring. We didn't see a single *******, queer, piece of ****, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing lib, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun like when I go with you.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it

 

[BangkokDean]

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy........than to
fumble THIS football"
John Heisman



"Show me a good and gracious loser.......and I'll show you a failure."


Knute Rockne /Notre Dame



"I make my practices real hard ........because if a player is a
quitter.....I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama


"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle.....You can hear it!

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame


"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat.......That costs money and we
don't have any."

Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.


"Football is only a game.
Spiritual things are eternal.
Nevertheless, Beat Texas ."

Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.


"After you retire, there's only one big event left....
and I ain't ready for that."

Bobby Bowden / Florida State



"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be
the one who dropped it."

Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame


"When you win, nothing hurts."

Joe Namath / Alabama


"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."

Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame


"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold...
you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"

Bear Bryant / Alabama


"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a
medieval study hall."

Frank Leahy / Notre Dame


"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting
the hell kicked out of you."

Woody Hayes / Ohio State


"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on
NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant
an investigation."

Bob Devaney / Nebraska


"In Alabama , an atheist is...
someone who doesn't believe in
Bear Bryant."

Wally Butts / Georgia


"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there
for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."

Alex Karras / Iowa


"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest
route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."

Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee


"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar.......except for my grades."

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State


"Always remember .....Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."

Shug Jordan / Auburn



"They cut us up like boarding house pie... and that's real small pieces."

Darrell Royal / Texas


"They whipped us like a tied up goat."

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech


"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas
Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said:
"Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't
any good."

Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State


"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands
aren't on the steering wheel."

Bobby Bowden / Florida State


"Football is NOT a contact sport - it is a collision sport.
Dancing IS a contact sport."

Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State



After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game
message to his team: "All those who need showers...
take them."

John McKay / USC


"If lessons are learned in defeat... our team is getting a
great education."

Murray Warmath / Minnesota


"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb."

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame


"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard
puke this afternoon."

Spike Dykes / Texas Tech



"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."

Darrell Royal / Texas


"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by
not blocking."

John McKay / USC


"Three things can happen when you throw the ball...
and two of them are bad ."

Darrell Royal / University of Texas



"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."

Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

 

[BangkokDean]

Blonde Mortician.........
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I am very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' says the widow.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to is grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[BangkokDean]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




The moral is this.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way......
Things are going to get ugly!!!

 

[BangkokDean]

Stop laughing at us seniors....

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper
was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him
and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open,
and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about
his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan
with two flat tires..


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'



One more. . ...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[BangkokDean]

English test

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by
supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man,
was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over
5 minutes.

The final question was:

How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED
in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer
...

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.

 

[BangkokDean]

I head of an Englishman who knew his widower father was very lonely and coming up for his 80th birthday.
He found a 'lady of the night' who liked older men and would do 'Simply Sex' for 50 pounds, 'GREAT Sex' for 100 pounds, or an all-night anything-goes package she called 'SUPER Sex' for 150 queenies.
He bought the most expensive option and told her to knock on his dads door at 7.00pm on birthday night. This she did, wearing only high heels and a fur coat.
As he opened the door she flashed open the fur coat and exclaimed:
"I'm here to give you Super Sex!"
"Oh thanks very much love" the man replied. "I'll have the soup."

 

[mrvette]

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
:hunter:

 

[Bullshark]

A little twisted but funny

A beautiful but seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman shouted back, "Hell no ... now get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

 

[BangkokDean]

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test in France.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was extremely drunk ..
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, as is my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, behind the wheel?'

 

[mrvette]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecIKObhh-Do[/ame]