Official joke of the day thread

[BangkokDean]

How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began - and that's the truth!!!

 

[BangkokDean]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

 

[BangkokDean]

It was a small town, and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two

Little-old-ladies sitting in a used car.



He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car--were they
trying to steal it?



"Heavens no, we bought it."



"Then why don't you drive it away."



"We can't drive."



"Then why did you buy it?"



"We were told that if we bought a used car here,

We'd get screwed...so we're just waiting."

 

[BBShark]

Goose Hunting

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.



Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.



"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas
local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."



"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."



"Well, I guess that isn't too bad,"
says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"



"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[Bullshark]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."edited
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."


The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.


The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to beedited civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied,
"My bike."

 

[BangkokDean]

What deep thinkers men are...


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.:drink:

 

[BangkokDean]

Note on the Frig

I came home from a full day of golf and my wife left a note on the refrigerator:




"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with my Mother."


I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold......


What the heck is she talking about?

 

[BangkokDean]

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

You're going to love the Dad's reply:








"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?"

 

[BangkokDean]

I asked a chinese girl if she would come out with me for a date and I asked her
number so that I could call her.

She got all excited and said: "SEX SEX SEX FREE SEX TONIGHT"
... wow such an open girl !...

but then, my friend told me what she really said was 6 6 6 3 6 2 9.....:zzz:

 

[BangkokDean]

Don't squat if you're wearing spurs!!



Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was a great political sage.

Some of his sayings:


1.Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2.Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4.Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5.Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8.There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10.If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11.Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.

12.After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

 

[BangkokDean]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called
.... THERAPY

 

[BangkokDean]

A doctor on TV said in order to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished. I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Crown, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

 

[BangkokDean]

Punny


I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrewd it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police claim they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

 

[BangkokDean]

I had always heard that churches in Las Vegas do accept gambling chips ---

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

 

[BangkokDean]

Woman Stops Gator Attack With A Small Caliber Beretta Pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber is what she credited for saving her life. Obviously, a testimonial to this fine weapon.


Here is the rest of the story:

“While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. The gator must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection. Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun!

 

[BangkokDean]

The Chauffeur

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the local welfare office
to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know,
I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job..
I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing
is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." ......

 

[BangkokDean]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired"

 

[mrvette]

Women drivers.....

Women drivers
With a very seductive voice, my girlfriend asked me "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No", I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. I took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked me "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't" I said, with an anxious tone in my voice.
She gave me another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. I took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!" I said while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited...
"Go look at the Corvette"...

 

[BangkokDean]

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck has a milk route."

 

[BangkokDean]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..

"They blow up so fast, don't they”

 

[BangkokDean]

This ******* looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her ****s.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
When you are over sixty who gives a ****?

 

[BangkokDean]

$6,500 Black Angus Bull

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I
was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to
feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him.....


But they kind of taste like peppermint!

 

[BangkokDean]

BABY ELEPHANT TRUNK PENIS BY BUDDY HACKETT

http://redux.com/stream/item/1126763/BABY-ELEPHANT-TRUNK-P

 

[Bullshark]

The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of
my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........






"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

 

[Bullshark]

Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

[BangkokDean]

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
******** who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

 

[BangkokDean]

Job Interview


Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think"

 

[SuperBuickGuy]

 

[mrvette]

about 1/2 hour conversation with the 74 y/o retarred Navy fellow next door to the house I overhauling....much of it involving plumbing and crap.....

house built in '71 and he thinks it's black iron on the supply side....

not legal for decades...even in Florida, Galvanized is the code, back when...


Black iron is GAS piping....until recently,


:tomato:

 

[BangkokDean]

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.........


Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.


If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.


I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'


I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.


I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.


My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.


I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'


My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.


I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.


My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.


My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.