Official joke of the day thread

[mrvette]

Guy in Fla. was walking back to his car and saw a bumper sticker that read "I miss Detroit". He broke the car's window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note saying "I hope this helps".


:hunter::club::clobbered:

 

[DC3]

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!!!

 

[BangkokDean]

MEDICAL SCHOOL EXAM


When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was
confused by the entrance exam.



The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell
out an important part of the human body that is more useful when
erect."



Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

 

[BangkokDean]

 

[BangkokDean]

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement..

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS also didn't SAY. . ........

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !"

 

[mrvette]

Why am I Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch......

Naked.:lol:

 

[DC3]

All politicians should be limited to exactly two terms.

One in office.

And one in prison.

 

[BangkokDean]

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solutution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.


With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.


Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."





Have a wonderful day!

 

[BangkokDean]

This is a tale in the life of Dumb and dumber....

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=38970

 

[CTVETTE78]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

 

[mrvette]

A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".


He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.


The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'


Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.


Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.


The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.....He's gotta land the plane and take a **** first.

 

[BangkokDean]

Sorry I don't have a horse in this race, I am only the messenger on my trusty steed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

So they have found a horse burger in Tesco, what’s next, my Lidl pony?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

A waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger, so I had £5 each way!

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she’s always wanted!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night….I still have a bit between my teeth.

Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco, just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

“I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer…AND THEY’RE OFF”

I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse….. I guess Tesco just listened.

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’ Cow says ‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horses d’oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO! NO! NO!

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers are giving me the trots

To beef or not to beef, that is the equestrian

 

[BangkokDean]

Subject: Sex after Death




A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact....

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina."

 

[BangkokDean]

Why a man should always let the woman talk first


When a high powered career woman is asked on a romantic date by her boyfriend, she decides to end their relationship there and then. Not content to let her man down gently, she goes in all guns blazing, prepared even to vent her spleen, but is she really prepared for the outcome?

Lucky Escape is a four-minute short.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=E3pjq0WAupc

 

[73 Mike]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office trailed by 15 kids.

“Wow!!!” The social worker exclaims, “Are they all yours!?!”

“Yep, they are all mine”, the flustered momma sighs deeply, having been asked that question a thousand times before. She turns towards the kids and says “Sit down Terry”, and all the kids rush to find seats.

“Well” says the social worker, “Then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”

The mother replies “Well to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri”.

In disbelief, the case worker says, “Are you serious? They are all named Terry?”

Their momma replied, “Well yes. It makes it much easier for me. When it’s time to get them out of bed for school I yell, ‘TERRY!!!’ and when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘TERRY!!!’ and they all come a running. If I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘TERRY!!!’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, calling them all Terry”.

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want one kid to come and not the whole bunch?”

The mother quickly replies, “Oh that’s easy! I just call them by their last names!!!”

 

[BangkokDean]

An old guy named LeRoy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets
sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check yourprostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy Obeys and says,

"99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99".

Again, the old guy says,

'99'."
The doctor said, Very good.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penisB to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

Old LeRoy begins,

"One...

two&

three&"

 

[mrvette]

Ol' Naval Aviator
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam', but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big ****s Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Center Line", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

 

[BangkokDean]

"Hell, I wrote it!" good one Gene...lol


Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful
with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be
her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me"
and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the
guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach
her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had
joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're
going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that
I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are
your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a
Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up
for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it
can be fun.

 

[mrvette]

:shocking: getting olde is not for puzzies.....:crap:

 

[BangkokDean]

I know this has been around sometime now, but still good.


A humorous explanation of how male and female brains are different by Mark Gungor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xxtUH_bHBxs#!

 

[BBShark]

 

[mrvette]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0




Old one......:crutches::harhar:

 

[BangkokDean]

Ammunition Scarce.


This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a.
Drop-Dead Blonde gorgeous was the next filling up her Car at Pump. She looked at the Ammo in the back of my PICKUP and.

said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy.
Would You be interested in Trading sex for Ammo? ". I thought a few seconds and Asked, "What kinda Ammo Ya got?".:friends:

 

[BangkokDean]

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different...

An Iowa farmer in his pickup drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[BangkokDean]

Women

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely, she was going berserk!!!

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped.

Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer!"'

 

[mrvette]

Sara Pipalini
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter . He says,
"Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren ;"
And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini .."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks

"Sara Pipalini ," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name
just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says that the ' Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

 

[mrvette]

Sons grow up so soon......
A young teenage boy comes home at 7pm, His dad says
"Where were you ?"
"I was with Sarah." He replied.
"What were you doing ?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are great."
Dad replies, "Wash your hands son; they're donuts."
:devil:

 

[mrvette]

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”

Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

 

[mrvette]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

 

[BangkokDean]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ...

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10