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  #1991  
Old 01-04-2018, 08:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rtj View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by BangkokDean View Post
Happy New Year


Ummm, not funny.
THE OSTRICH !

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" Asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right…whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say…"
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  #1992  
Old 01-05-2018, 05:47 PM
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Six retired Jewish men from Florida were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They
cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His
wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.
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  #1993  
Old 01-08-2018, 03:34 AM
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Default Oh dear, not on a Saturday night I trust.

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,” agreed to look after her
neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable
to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she
called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
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  #1994  
Old 01-15-2018, 06:44 AM
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Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.

“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
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  #1995  
Old 01-17-2018, 09:37 AM
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Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.


♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
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