Two guys were fishing down by the Murray River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don't know.... why don't ya come on over here?"
"I don't know.... I don't see a bridge, and their ain't no boat, and I don't swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don't you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think I'm stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"
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The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them!
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People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
"Doorbell repair man".
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The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.
Susie says, "We need a computer".
Wendy says, "We need a car".
Johnny says, "We don't need anything, Miss".
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my Dad said, Well, that's all we need!"
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Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally, the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
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TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
"Don't be silly," she said, "You can borrow my iPad".
That spider never knew what hit it.
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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
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Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."
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In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
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A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
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The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they
couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and
his wife didn't want to have any more children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem
but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker,
light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me
with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he
could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zeland.
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Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."